And Everyone Was Staring at Me

So,

I work as a temp. Which means I’m contracted for such and such months. Well, today we had a staff meeting. Something I’ve been going to weekly for about a month now because they’ve given me an increasing amount of responsibility. I’m being trained on requisitions and I handle inventory for the 15th floor. I book rooms in like a bajillion buildings, handle the mail, and pretty much any other random thing someone needs.

No warning. Nothing.

We are nearing the end of the meeting and my boss, who for all intensive purposes is a really nice boss, informs me that due to budget cuts in 2013 and the slowing down of the whole EPIC project, well, I’m losing my job. They won’t be renewing my contract after, probably, March.

In front of everyone.

Now, I don’t know about you, but seeing as I blog (safely hidden behind my computer screen) and don’t…I don’t know…do public speaking, I hate being the center of attention.

I especially hate being the center of attention when I’m being told that I get to dive head long into another job search. Which, always, is a painful process that involves being judged harshly by pretty much every professional you meet daily. A process that makes you feel unequipped for the working world because, damn, there’s just always someone who does it better. A process that makes me have panic attacks like every five seconds.

John just got a job and now I’m looking at losing mine. That’s what you want on your mind during the Christmas season.

So, this boss, who like I said is a nice guy, is also a little awkward. You can tell he doesn’t like giving people bad news, and it’s really not his fault. He doesn’t make all those decisions. Pretty quickly he realizes that he’s made a huge error in doing this publicly, literally saying “I’m not sure why I did this like I did”

He actually asks me if I have an issue with this plan.

Well…yeah I do. I have an issue with worrying from now until who knows when about finding a job so that I don’t lose my house, car, get my electricity shut off. Sure, I have family that probably wouldn’t let it get to that extreme, but I think I’ve gone over that “hate being a burden” thing.

But I can’t exactly say that.  They are nice people and it’s not their fault. In fact, I was so caught off-guard by his basically asking if I minded getting laid off that I burst into manic laughter and went “Well, I don’t think this is one of those situations where it really matters…”

At this point, to be honest, I’m trying not to cry. For all the aches and pains, I kind of like my job. The people I really deal with, my “higher-ups” are great people who seem to genuinely care when I have a migraine beating me into the carpet. I’ve been at jobs where people were rude, even downright awful towards me and anyone else who worked “under” them.

I have had syringes thrown at me.

Not to mention everyone is staring at me.

So my boss realizes that he’s made a bit of an error right? So he’s getting flustered about how he shouldn’t have gone about it like this and I, being me, am trying to go “that’s ok. It’s not a problem”.

And everybody is staring at me.

Of course it is a problem, because I’m being silently hysterical. Also,  I’m painfully aware that my voice is coming out way squeakier and shaky than  it should be, and I can feel the heat rising in my face from where I’m turning red. I do this when I’m upset/uncomfortable. And I mean, I turn motherfucking red. There is no not noticing.

Did I mention everyone’s staring at me?

And he just keeps talking. To me. I don’t know why he wouldn’t move on or stop asking me questions. It was getting harder to talk normally.

and EVERYONE WAS STARING AT ME.

Finally they end the meeting, I’m shaky, burning up, I can feel my eyes going glassy and all I want to do is get the hell away from my superiors before I go all bipolar crazy girl with the waterworks.

Just so you know, I did actually make it to my car before I started crying. Thank god it was my lunch hour. So I sat in my car feeling humiliated, embarrassed, panicked, and emotionally strung out.

I sat in my car until my face regained it’s normal hue.

I sat in my car until my eyes did’t look so red and puffy.

I sat in my car until I could breathe and speak without it rattling.

And then I went back to work.

9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. newbie
    Nov 15, 2012 @ 15:13:05

    No words can say how much that sucks. My heart goes out to you.

    Reply

  2. Keyla
    Nov 15, 2012 @ 17:01:26

    No way! I’ve had a boss tell me that “by the way you’ll now be reporting to so-&-so” in a group meeting which was crappy but this is so much worse. I hope you can find a new job that you like quickly!

    Reply

    • psychofab
      Nov 15, 2012 @ 22:16:28

      I do too. It just came so out of the blue. I do still have this job for awhile, which is nice, but talk about awkward working with the people who were in that meeting.

      Reply

  3. nosleepandcrazy
    Nov 18, 2012 @ 06:00:13

    Yeah, sounds like the night before Nov 2nd when I laid down in the dark under my covers, snuggled up to my husband (now ex-husband) and relaxed and tried to fall asleep in my blissful comfy bed next to my furry husband only to have him say a few minutes after my eyes adjusted to the dark, and I quote, “By the way, I have been unhappy for a few months and I may leave in a month if things don’t get better for me.”….. But hey, at least he didn’t do it in front of a group… so I guess we can say he was nice about it…. but yeah… how was there no warning? When my mom got laid off, she was working her ass off, getting more and more new responsibilities and becoming more and more important and needed only to be let go so they could hire someone for less money.

    Reply

  4. Trackback: I’m not stressed. I’m joyfully ripping my hair out while delightfully crying my soul out through my eyeballs. « PsychoFab
  5. Amanda
    Nov 28, 2012 @ 16:01:01

    I just found your blog and I love it. Anyways, I am sorry. I definitely know the feeling and want to say a huge congrats on not crying and keeping it together. You basically described how I would have reacted to the situation!

    Reply

    • psychofab
      Nov 28, 2012 @ 16:03:15

      Thanks! Glad you’ve enjoyed the blog. As for the job thing, I think there’s just something so soul crushing about being let go, it really doesn’t require extra pain by having it done in public lol

      Reply

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