Have a secret soul crushing emotion you’re just dying for mass amounts of people to ask you about, but you don’t want it to be obvious you’re digging for attention so desperately you’re about to reach China? Well, I’m here to help.
Following is a list of simple steps that any Facebook savvy drama-child can use. Guaranteed to up the number of “what’s wrong” Questions you can get from people who don’t really care, but are nosey as fuck.
Step 1) if you really want people to know how tortured your soul is, but don’t want to ruin all the fun you can have milking this for all it’s worth, first you must find a poetically written banner to share. Preferably, this banner will be along the lines of….
“I hide my emotions so people think I’m strong, even though posting this tells people I have my sad face on and defeats the whole point”
“It’s the ones who smile the biggest who are mascara drenched wrecks in private”
It doesn’t have to be these exact messages. Anything to draw people’s attention to your internal plight will do.
Step 2) post vague and depressing song lyrics. If you aren’t convinced this will peak anyone’s interest enough to get you the successful number of comments, feel free to add a sad face.
Once again, if you’re still not getting the necessary amount of attention, you can always up the ante by adding a tear.
Well fuck, at this point you may as well cry a river…
Step 3) Once you’ve exhausted the use of situational lyrics, you might have to get a little more direct. Begin posting about how awful everything is. By no means explain what is so awful, or why it happened. This lets people know for sure you want attention. Need an example?
“Why does everything always go wrong’”
“Good things never last.”
Step 4) Wow, if you’ve made it to step four without anyone paying significant attention to you, you’re in trouble. You must do this like, a lot, because your friends are past the curiosity part and are reaching this “this shit again?” Part. Quick, start making vague references to suicide.
“I’m just giving up.”
“I’m ending it all.”
IMPORTANT! Never actually say you’re going to kill yourself. This level is something you can’t come back from, and people get really pissed about it.
Step 5) so you’ve finally got someone to ask you what’s going on huh? I bet they text or called. You have high standards and would never be satisfied with a Facebook inquiry. No, you need more quality attention than that. Now that you’ve reached this goal, listen to me very carefully and repeat these words…
“I don’t really want to talk about it.”