D.A.R.E. Hates Children

I think D.A.R.E. secretly hates children. Why? because they train children that drug pushers will always be stopped by a simple “No” when a kick to the groin would be much more effective. Also, because after saying no, they actually tell children to HUG the pusher.Because, I don’t know, meth heads who are literally radioactive need love to.

I mean really, have they thought this through? Ok, so maybe not all drug pushers are evil. Maybe some honestly just want kids to have a good time. Maybe for them having a good time means being in an altered state which can make you halluciante talking hotdogs that scream in agony when you eat them (LSD) eat until your innards burst (Pot) have insane unprotected sex so long as you aren’t one of the 1/10 who will spontaniously die a few minutes after taking it (Extasy). Who knows. It’s not like some scraggly looking dude who walks up and offers a drug is secretly planning to rape them. Maybe if a said scraggly dude walks up and goes:

“Hey Susie/Bobby/Johnny/Equally lame and over used name, wonna try a Rufie? it’s fun…”

He honestly just thinks they look tired and need a nap?


SO, since I don’t want my future (here that ovaries? NO BABIES NOW! So STFU and stop exploding eggs) children to have cancer after they are raped by meth-head hobos who really just needed a hug, I have come up with a better way to stop young children, from trying dugs. Education.

Cocaine: A powdery white substance that is so expensive you’ll never be able to afford a barbie/hotwheel/porno mag again. It is made of the crushed bones of kittens who couldn’t find homes at the local animal shelter and is often snorted through your nose. Ya know, like that weird kid in school who accidentally snorted milk at lunch and it oozed out of his nostrils and now no one will talk to him and he’ll probly never ever get a date because when he’s in highschool some smartass will remember the incident and bring it up again, only to add that milk kinda looked like sperm and what kind of weirdo snorts sperm? Yeah, like that.

Crack: Crack is like Cocaine but is cheaper because it’s made of kittens with contagious diseases like herpes. You usually have to spend all the money you save to pay for meds to treat the herpes which causes you to grow hideous bumps like that bitchy green chick from Wizard of Oz,which can only be cured by pooring acid on your body. (that last parts true)

Marijuana: Marijuana has the least dangerous effects of this list, but is bad because it is a Gateway drug, and when you use it a gateway to neverland opens up and one of Tinkerbell’s cousins is decapitated.
PCP: commonly called fairy dust, because it’s made of the skulls of decapitated fairies.

I mean come one, we’re talking about a population that believes in Santa, the toothfairy, and is totally cool with a  creepy ass giant rabbit that lays eggs made of chocolate out his butt and forces us to eat them. How hard can it be?


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