Swing Low Sweet Chari… Oh FUCK this

I was fine this morning. In fact I woke up focused and relaxed nearly an hour before my alarm went off. At the time everything seemed to be moving in slow motion and I felt as though I actually had control of things. My day is simple: get up, go to work, make dinner, paint and relax.
It seems simple. It really does.
Crying in the bathroom stall of your work place is a dehumanizing experience.it really mutha fuckin is. It isn’t something I resort to very often or by choice in case you didn’t guess. I mean, you’re stuck in there, praying nobody will come in. Hoping no one will hear you, and there’s no way to hide that you’re ashamed, or that you have snot dripping off your friggin nose like its a faucet.
 I’m fucking at work, nothing’s happening. Not one thing should be upsetting to me right now but the tears are fighting to come out, and when I breathe it shutters in my chest. My throat feels constricted and I’m not sure if it’s from trying not to cry or because I just need to scream. Screaming sounds sooo much better, but did I meantion I don’t want to lose my job?

 
Fuck.Today will be a day I sit in my car when I get home. I’m not sure if it’s theraputic but it is uncontrollable. Something about being isolated in my car…when I pull into the driveway it all just bursts out. No more silence, no more trying to regulate my breathing. I sit and hold onto the steering wheel and cry. Sometimes I play music so I don’t have to hear it. Sometimes I lay my head on the steering wheel, or I just let myself melt into the seat. It doesn’t matter. I probably do this twice a week. Sometimes it’s quick and I cry and then i grab my things and go inside.
The longest I’ve done it is a half hour.

Cars are bad places for me. It’s so easy to just swerve and hit something, and you can go so fast. Saturday me and John were driving home from the lake. I had spent most of the day in what I think of as my hazy mood. I’m not happy or sad, but barely there. It’s usually a sign that I’m about to plunge and I wasn’t wrong. On the way home I found out my plans were cancelled and I was angry. I looked out the window and everything was moving so fast. I thought about opening the door and jumping out. I don’t think I ever will, but it’s not something I can promise. I don’t know if I’m suicidal exactly. It’s not that I actively pursue my death, but more that I’m not concerned if it’s a possible side effect of my actions. Cutting, taking too many pills…all self-harm. All of it wakes me up.

I could be wrong. The only thing I know about my mood swings is that they do happen, so it’s possible something will make me ok by this evening. It’s possible that I will go home feeling energetic, and I will clean my bathroom and paint my shelves that have been staring at me for a week.
But too be honest that doesn’t happen very often.

It’s so much easier to swing low…

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Keyla
    Sep 11, 2012 @ 16:22:38

    My best friend is bi-polar and she can be a lot of work to be friends with some days. That doesn’t mean I don’t love her, it means that sometimes I have to work a little harder to make sure she knows that I care and that I would be there for her in a heartbeat. Because of her, I always thought I had a pretty good understanding of depression. I thought I knew what it was all about. Boy, was I wrong. My dad passed away in May 2011, just over a year ago. I didn’t understand depression, not really, until then. Until I survived the last year. Until I went through it myself. I had panic attacks and crying fits in the ladies washroom daily at work. I’d spend my coffee breaks and lunch hours in my car crying, and when I’d run out of tears I’d just sit there feeling numb, Feeling like it wasn’t fair that the rest of the world kept moving forward when my world stopped. I tried therapy… I even tried a few different doctors, but it wasn’t for me. I’m now on an anti-depressant and I don’t have panic attacks or major crying fits like I was. I still cry when I need to, but now it’s not smothering. I read your posts about being bipolar and I realized that this is what my friend goes through. I wish she didn’t. I wish you didn’t. Thank you for your honesty about what you’ve been through, it’s opened my eyes a little more and I think it will help me understand just a bit more of my best friend.

    Reply

    • psychofab
      Sep 11, 2012 @ 17:51:43

      Thank you so much for your comment. Writing about it honestly is terrifying. You never know how people will respond, or the things they might say. It’s nice to feel like my honestly may have helped anyone in some small way. I’m so glad you’re doing better and I hope the struggle will get easier for you as time passes. I have yet to lose a parent, but it is a day I fear with every fiber of my being. I can’t imagine the heartbreak that must have followed. You are obviously a strong person. Be proud of that.

      Reply

      • Keyla
        Sep 11, 2012 @ 17:54:35

        Thanks! It takes a strong person to post about their struggles on a blog! I’m glad you and others do… it’s been a long ass year for me and I had no idea that it could be like this, but it’s good to know others understand what depression is and that it is a lying bastard 🙂

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