My Logic is Infallible

You know, there are many awkward moments in life. Standing in elevators  with someone else, trying to decide if the person who is walking behind you is close enough that you should hold open the door or far enough away that holding the door open would compel them to walk at an uncomfortable fast pace, telling your boyfriend’s Dad that the baby is his…but one that is often overlooked is sitting in the middle back seat.You’re there. you’re buckled in, but now two other people need to get in beside you and also buckle in. This is where the awkwardness comes in, the buckle for said people is situated firmly beside each of your butt cheeks. I think, due to some rule of physics and the fact that middle-backseat makers assume all people are the thinness of a fifth grader, it is impossible for the side sitters not to at least graze your butt while attempting to buckle up. Usually it is a knuckle to butt graze and could simply be ignored as knuckles rarely grope anything and can in no way be construed as an erogenous zone, but occasionaly the buckle has been squeezed down into the cushions in which case fingers must be involved.
Now, side-sitters could, if they weren’t so terrified of being conceived as a pervert, simply reach down and grab the buckle swiftly pulling it up and out of butt cheek range.  Middleseat-sitter could sit, minding their own business because generally speaking middle-seat sitters knew what they were signing up for in climbing into that spot and, if they have any sense, will not suddenly turn pointing a finger like the evil monkey from Family Guy screaming “YOU TOUCHED MY BUTT! BUTT TOUCHER!!!”

This is not what happens. Instead side-sitters often fidgit awkwardly for approximately 30 seconds, not realizing that by doing so they often look like they are eye-raping your ass instead of eyeballing the buckle, before they take a sharp intake of breath and go “I’m not playing with your butt…I promise”
You’ve spoken to me now. You have awknowledged that you are about to touch my butt. Why would you do this? it’s like when a young girl audibly farts in the room and you can tell they are horribly embarrassed and on the verge of crying. You, you who must acknowledge touching my butt is now the asshole who goes “PHEWEEE, what smells so bad?”

Having said this…

 The “i’m not playing with your butt” part i could possibly over see. Perhaps they are just a nervous person who has in the past had a hit and run grope of the ass and therefore would appreciate such a warning. it happens. I hear subways are playgrounds for mysterious butt gropers and you must consider that side-sitter may have at some point lived in a subway. Many homeless do. So, with Do Unto Others and all, this person simply issues a warning. It’s the “I promise” bit that gets me.

Why do you feel the need to promise me? Do I look unreasonably suspicious of your intentions? Not only that, but the old adage “Thou doth protest to much” always comes to mind when someone tacks on an “I promise” to a statement that in no way needs a clarifier, particularly statements which 90% of the time are unnecessary anyways. I do not believe you to be a mysterious ass-groper. If I’m in the car with you it stands to reason I know you well enough to assume you are not a would-be rapist, or a creepy pervert. You may be a pervert. I’m friends with you so you probably are, but not a creepy one.

But when you tack on the “I promise” I start to wonder. Have you once been accused of ass gropeage? If so, perhaps you are guilty. Maybe for one split second you were considering an ass grope and are irrationally afraid that I am psychic and ripped those thoughts from your brain, and am therefore stiffening in ninja preparation if I so much as feel as slight tap to my butt cheek. Perhaps you aren’t considering butt groping me at all but are instead a closet freak who does many things to butts on your night off. In which case I really hope you practice good hygene and wash your hands frequently, but still would not turn and scream anything resemebling “YOU BUTT GROPING HARLOT”, though I may chuckle to myself slightly at the knowledge.

Also I assume butt gropers are slightly more stealthy than that. Subway gropers are famous because they do it in a crowded moment in which they can stealthily stealth away into the crowd never to be seen again. They can escape. You are sitting next to me in an enclosed space, and if you’ve groped my ass reaching for the buckle you are now buckled in and therefore cannot simply hop out of the vehicle. You, Sir or Madam are within elbow range. Not only that, but if I am in the middle then that stands to reason there are at least (in a standard car) three other people in the vehicle besides me and you who would probably not stand for random butt assault.

It is illogical.
So please, in the future, just buckle up.


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