This is Not Funny. It’s Honest.

I slept yesterday from around 7pm till 7:10am this morning. I wasn’t tired. I was exhausted and angry. I don’t know why I was angry, but I’d rather waste my day asleep than hurt someone whose done nothing wrong.

There’s someone staying at my house right now and I want them gone. Not because I don’t like them. I actually do, but I don’t want her to see me if I black out, and I’m so close.

I had nightmares all night. The only one I really remember was one where I was fighting with John about his new job, because in my dream the hours meant I would never really see him. In my dream I told him I wasn’t happy, and was worried if I wasn’t around him the love would go away. He chose to remain with the job. It didn’t hurt like I thought it would.

I’ve felt totally disconnected from my husband lately. I’m having trouble finding the love feeling inside me. This isn’t because I don’t love him. It’s because I’m sinking. But it kind of feels the same.

I haven’t felt this numb in awhile. I bought a new car. I haven’t told my Dad. John got a job, I haven’t told my Dad. I’ve been thinking about suicide daily. I haven’t told anyone.

I want to cut. I haven’t, but sometimes I feel angry at the people who made me promise not to.

I have a prescription to help me sleep and stop the panic attacks waiting at the pharmacy. I haven’t picked it up because I want to take the whole bottle. Sometimes no sleep is a safer option.

I haven’t seen my sister in awhile. I know if I called and told her what was going on, that she would come see me, or have me come to her, but I can’t. I know she could help, but I’m at the point where I don’t really care if I get better. I’m too tired.

I’m thinking about not going home tonight.

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14 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Keyla
    Sep 12, 2012 @ 18:25:15

    I know you’re tired of everything in life right now, but by the sounds of it you should call or email your sister. Remember: DEPRESSION LIES.
    My dad committed suicide in May last year and I can’t believe how lost I feel without him, I know your family will feel the same about you. I hope you reach out. Good luck.

    Reply

    • psychofab
      Sep 12, 2012 @ 18:54:54

      Thank you. Sometimes it’s just hard to make that call. Everyone has their own struggles to deal with. Depression does lie. It’s a lying bastard, and every reminder of that helps.

      Reply

  2. The Management
    Sep 12, 2012 @ 18:42:54

    I just found your blog, and I realize that I know nothing about you and your battle, but I just wanted to leave a comment to let you know that I’m thinking about you, that I hope things get better soon, and that you’re granted some relief from the not-nice things you’ve been feeling as of late.

    You sound awesome to me, you really do. I understand what it’s like to be where you are.

    chin up, buttercup.

    Reply

  3. Robin
    Sep 12, 2012 @ 20:43:17

    You can’t LEAVE; I just found you! Life is completely ridiculous and overwhelming, but there is comfort in knowing we are all in this mess together and we’re just trying to make sense of it all…thank you for reminding me. I hope you know you’re not alone.

    Reply

  4. nosleepandcrazy
    Sep 12, 2012 @ 22:23:43

    1st off, tell him if he quits smoking, you will quit cutting. Fuck him. Cutting may look bad to the outside world, but for someone like me and you who actually do it, it can save our lives. And all you had to do is write on here, call me, text me, or email me. Sorry I got behind on your blogs. Soon as the dishwasher cuts off, your sister, me, will be on the way to your end of town. I love you more than you know. I understand you and you know that and I could not live without you. I love John too, but he is oh so sucky lately. I hope he gets his shit together. I do NOT know how he can live with you all this time and not know you need him at night, as you do in the morning and every hour of the day. No matter how you reach out, I am always here for you. I hope to see you tomorrow since it is evening and you will be “sleeping” soon. If I am asleep when you get off, come wake my ass up, lol. I will leave my ringer on on my phone so you can rip me out of whatever nightmare I am having at that moment. Last night was Mom putting evil bug-like-creatures in my hair which drove me to scream in the middle of a funeral service… and then one where I had lots of pet rats, but tons of pet mice and they all kept escaping over and over and I could not stop it and the mice kept biting me over and over and over and… you get the picture. Your followers are nice to care. Hope I get some nice followers soon. Thanks you guys for caring about my sister

    Reply

  5. normalfornorfolk
    Sep 13, 2012 @ 00:45:29

    You have so much to live for. I know it doesn’t feel like it, I’ve been having a really dippy week this week. But you know it will get better. Just take it 1 hour at a time until you come out of the low. Your sister sounds amazing and very supportive so don’t ever feel alone. As for men, well, I don’t think they realise how they are behaving sometimes…In their heads, they’re still little boys…. *Big Hugs* x

    Reply

    • psychofab
      Sep 13, 2012 @ 08:07:39

      Thank you. It seems to be a rough week for a lot of people.Maybe it’s something in the air? My sister is very supportive, and actually came over last night. Something about chatting with someone who is genetically in the same crazy boat as you, works every time lol

      Reply

      • normalfornorfolk
        Sep 13, 2012 @ 09:26:24

        It does!! Are you on Facebook? We have an amazing group on there called Lawsbian Awesomeness. It was started after loads of us got chatting during Jenny’s bookclub on Goodreads. It’s a great group, full of people just like us! We have a laugh and just talk about random crap. But if we have a bad day, we pick each other up and give support. Look us up! Big Hugs. 🙂

      • psychofab
        Sep 13, 2012 @ 10:00:03

        I am and I found the group. Thank you for suggesting I look it up!

      • normalfornorfolk
        Sep 13, 2012 @ 10:26:53

        DO! it is a bloody good laugh!

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