It’s a Vagina, Not a Storage Unit


This post made me remember just how horrible Birth Control can be. Now I am not on your traditional pill, as my history of migraines makes me a stroke risk (and doesn’t that just make a girl feel sexy). I also didn’t go with the patch because it has permanent hormonal side effects, the shot causes permanent bone loss, weight gain, and stipping of the uteran wall, and most IUD’s can’t be prescribed to someone who has not given birth since a tiny peice can break off and permanently damage your insides.

Instead, I am on the NuvaRing. Now there is nothing really wrong with this. It is an effective birth control, that doesn’t require me to apply what little memory I have left to taking a pill every day at exactly the same time each day.

Me remembering to take a pill each and every day would most assuredly result in my cultivating a fetus inside  my entirely antisocial uterus. Let me explain.

I have no thyroid due to cancer running rampant through my family like a chimpanzi hyped on X would run through the Whole Foods produce department. Therefore I am meant to take a tiny pill, a supplement for all the lovely chemicals a thyroid produces, every day. I do not. I forget it for entire weeks at a time and don’t realize until my muscles seize up and I feel the need for a nap after an hour of consciousness.

I give no fucks.

If I can’t remember a pill that keeps my organs functioning, I won’t remember a pill that stops the function of another.

The problem with Nuva Ring, is that it basically looks like this…

Do you know what else looks like that?

Fucking Jelly Bands! Snap Bracelets! An Emo kid staple that is still refusing to die out, available in just about every color known to man at your nearest mall. When I was 14 and not even remotely considering sex as an extracurricular activity I walked around with these things on my wrists for months on end!

It’s jewelry! What kind of doctor designs birth control to resemble something a middle schooler wears to look hip? If i wanted to accessorize my vagina I’d get a peircing or vajazzle the fucker, I wouldn’t decide to store snap bands by my cervix.

And that is exactly what you fear if you’re relatively young and using one of these things. Because what you really want to hear from your significant other when you’re about to get it on is “Wow you’re so…full of bracelets????”


Just no.

And when you’re older, and have possibly had a kid or two, what do you want your little lovey to come running out of the bathroom wearing?

“Mommy I found a bracelet in the trash! Isn’t it Pretty?”

No. It’s not fuckin pretty. This is a therapy session waiting to happen.

Lemme guess, the same genius who thought up this design is related to the genuis who made orange flavored tylenol and cough drops that looks like cherry lifesavers.

COME ON! It’s bad enough that it’s  2012  and the best fix we can come up with for almost every vagina related issue is “Eh, let’s just shove this up in there.”

Period? Here’s a wad of cotton and piece of string.

Infection? Here’s what looks like a bath bead and an cheap plastic tube.

Ovulating? Here’s a FUCKING BRACELET.

And don’t even get me started on the joys of  speculums.

It is a vagina. Not a storage unit. Can’t we come up with something a little better than this?

I once dated a boy who was terrified of tampons. Not because a girl’s period freaked him out, but because his mother once tried to flush one, and in his tiny little boy mind when he saw that cottony white mass covered in blood, he thought his mother had visciously murdered a baby rabbit.

Are you picturing this?

The last thing we need is for that same boy to pick up a nuvaring off the floor and feel the urge to accessorize.


8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. wallnp
    Sep 24, 2012 @ 16:17:01

    aw thanks for the linkage lady!


  2. normalfornorfolkblog
    Sep 25, 2012 @ 05:17:17

    Ew! Can you imagine? I wonder if there are people out there who would try to colour coordinate them to their outfits? Just waiting for the Nuva Bling Ring for the fashion concious bitch in the hood..Now my mind has seriously gone into over drive and I am designing a whole range of these things..Where did I put my meds??


  3. nosleepandcrazy
    Oct 06, 2012 @ 09:00:24

    If my vagina was big enough for a nuva ring, I would like one in neon green please.


    Mar 10, 2013 @ 00:07:11

    SNL just did a skit called nuvabling


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