F*ck All the Muscles in My Extremities

Warning: Might be Triggering, Will definitly be depressing and devoid of funny.

I haven’t updated since last week. This is actually rather odd for me. Usually I update nearly every day during the week, but hopefully readers will forgive me. I’m not trying to slack off, I’m just having a little trouble surviving at the moment.

Quick Recap:

My husband quit his job and didn’t tell me. He broke, and told me after two days, but I’m hurt and angry. Also, broke. As in money wise. When working, he contributes to the bills, and I spent money I never would have if I’d known.

I have trust issues due to a lot of my past relationships. His lying about this, letting all the pressure of bills fall on me without thinking. I feel like something just snapped inside my chest and won’t ever be put back in its place.

I told my parents. I sort of regret it now, because even if I become happy with John again I feel like they will always be judging, waiting for him to “make it up” to them, waiting for him to fail. Which he very well might do. We aren’t 40. We are young 20-somethings, and we both faulter. But I was scared and hurt, and don’t have many friends to lean on for the most part. I have friends, just not the kind you can call hysterically crying, and them still be friends the next day.

My mom came right over to spend some time with me, and while everything she said didn’t exactly make me feel fantastic, she was there and I felt supported. My father did not come in that day. I didn’t ask him to really, mostly because I feared he would say no. And I didn’t think I could handle that. But he said he would come in either Sunday or Monday. I was looking forward to it.

My father and I’s relationship is usually on shaky ground. There’s a lot of story there, that has many sides to it, but the short-of-the-long is we communicate poorly. More than poorly. But lately we’ve been good. I’ve been going to see him and the last visit was more than nice. I think my father is over all a good man. And a likeable one. But, for me, there’s a lot of places I feel dropped and let down by him.

My dad did not come in.

I lost it. My mom told me, and she said something about our relationship not withstanding another fight if he said something I didn’t want to hear, but all I heard was that he wasn’t coming in when I really needed him. He didn’t call or anything.

I didn’t control the depression. I just gave up. I don’t know how to describe what was happening in my head, or the actual events. I only remember them through a blurry eye, which is normal for me when I’m like that. But the physcal and emotional damage is very much still with me, even if an exact play-by-play isn’t.

There’s medicine in my system that shouldn’t be there and I feel like there’s snakes writhing under my skin, and all my muscles are coiled so tightly they ache. I can’t stop moving, stretching, or twisting to try and loosen them. And I’m angry. My head is killing me and my appetite is gone.

John realized pretty quickly what was happening. He had the idea for me to call my sister, so she could sit with me while he got food for us. I ended up not eating the food because by the time she got there my system was trashed and I was throwing up. But she sat with me and we talked, watched tv like I wasn’t a totally crazy, puffy eye’d mess. But then my heart started pounding and I felt twitchy. I got scared so I called my Mom. She came and sat with me as well. It was a bad night.

And right now I’m just exhausted. Give me some time. Eventually I’ll pull out of it.

That’s the theory anyway.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. normalfornorfolkblog
    Oct 10, 2012 @ 15:10:14

    I understand what you feel, I have been there too, when I was your age. You WILL get through it. Your 20’s are a strange time because you’re not a teenager but still need guidance with the shit that life throws at you so there’s nothing wrong with asking for support. I’m sorry for the issue with your dad, I hope you can both get through it. I wouldn’t worry about your parents thinking bad of your husband, we all act in haste or make decisions which we soon realise are the wrong ones & I am sure your parents know that. Big hugs to you lovely lady & be strong. One day you will be as old as me and realise that a lot of the crap we stress about really isn’t worth it. Xx 😘

    Reply

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