If Lowe’s were a person He would be an Ageist, Pimple Faced Twatwaffle with a Distinct Underbite and a Questionable Mole on His Left Ass Cheek

Do you know how I know this?

Because Lowe’s is the most conveniently placed “Home Improvement” store in relation to my house.

And it’s an asshole.

I purchased my home about a year ago, shocking to people who know my age (22), and how can I put this politely?

It looks like Barbie took residence and then puked pea soup on precisely 50% of the walls. Green and pink, all the rage in not the times I was born in. Due to this I go to Lowe’s a lot of paint, window hardware, sockets, etc.

I also went there to buy ceramic tile for my renovated kitchen and an awesome mosaic back-splash.

But this is where my luck ends. See I had a tiny construction man with me during that shopping trip, and didn’t need much employee assistance due to his presence. Also, I was putting in flooring. It’s relatively simple to know what you have to buy.

Flooring. BOOM. done.

Now, I want to renovate my bathroom. Due to plumbing, tile work on the walls, an an outdated tub with even older fixtures, I actually needed some advice. I was considering putting in a walk in shower instead of a tub since I NEVER use the tub.

Apparently my daring to ask questions is unacceptable in Lowe’s land because I am neither a man, nor over 40.

Me and my husband sat AT THE HELP DESK, going through catalogs describing different types of showers/tubs etc, vocalizing our needs, ideas, and the fact that we had numerous questions.

There were exactly four old crotchety fuckers standing no more than three feet before us. FOUR.

They ignored us with all their might, even when I tried to just ask a question to the group.

I was pissed, but dealing with my all-consuming rage.

Then an older lady, possible in her 60’s shuffled by, not even eyeing the bathroom department. She never paused as though she was thinking of entering the department. She didn’t even slow her shuffle.

And one of those old fucks stopped their conversation to shout, since she was far away, “Do you need any help, mam?”


Ok, so check this.

I know I’m younger than your usual target demographic. I realize that, and therefore actually give employees a little longer to clue in on my needs, but I am still a customer if I’m in your store.

I’m especially a customer if I’m in your store, in your specific department.

I’m am a customer who definitely deserves your attention if I’m in your store, in your department, almost every other week.

If I’ve spent a few thousand dollars on flooring and back-spash tile already.

If I’m sitting at your damn help desk.

If I’ve actually spoken to you and asked for help!!!!!


You want to know what that asshat said to me when I asked his advice on what we would need to install a walk-in shower instead of a tub?

He told me to look online.

Fuck you, dude. To the enth degree. I am young, and no I can’t make it rain mo’nay, but I have a job you asshole and I deserve for you to at least PRETEND to take me seriously for the five minutes I’m standing before you. I know you’re capable of it. You just did it with a woman who was shuffling by, so don’t you think I don’t know what you’re capable of. I saw it, because I was fucking sitting in front of you at your help desk.


Is it still illegal to punch old crotchety dudes in the kidney?


8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. nosleepandcrazy
    Oct 17, 2012 @ 06:28:25

    I am not sure if it is illegal, but I am in full support of you finding out. I will be your alibi


  2. Karen
    Oct 17, 2012 @ 18:49:58

    I guess I am lucky…My Lowes is fantastic, and we are there all the time, as I come up with new and interesting ways to autism proof my house.


  3. JohhnyNo
    Oct 18, 2012 @ 07:24:45

    I’ll tell you my best, most secret method to get help anywhere. CLEAVAGE!!!
    I usually wear shorts or a skirt year-round, so that prolly helps too.
    Except for those annoying female clerks, it’almost foolproof.(and some of them too!)


  4. Jake
    Oct 18, 2012 @ 12:18:05

    In the kidney, yes. In the spleen, however, is perfectly legal. Also recommended: testing toilets until you get some attention.


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