Sorry if my vagina’s a little crunchy today.

How many of you have ever watched the show “Weeds”? It’s a twisted show about a housewife turned pot dealer and it’s all kinds of hilariously awful wrongness. Lately me and the hubby have been working our way through it, I think we’re on season 4 or something like that by now, but as you can imagine it’s led to some interesting conversations revolving around a certain illegal substance. This particular conversation is about what you would do if a cop pulled you over and you had drugs on you.

John: Just swallow it.

Me: That sounds painful. I  mean what if you have too much to swallow? What are you gonna do, just chew on it and pretend it’s bubble gum? Besides, won’t that make you high?

John: No, you just swallow it in the plastic.

Me: That doesn’t sound healthy.

John: It’s not lol

Me: But look, she’s a chick. She could totally hide it and not risk that whole suffocating on a baggie of weed which totally isn’t meant to go into your tummy thing. Like her boobs. She’s got decent boobs. She could just shove it in there. Weed boob. Much healthier than swallowing plastic. That would only work if you had big boobs though.

John: What if she gets patted down? If the officer is a chick she can pat her down.

Me: Oh…well. I’ve got it!  she’s in a skirt.  I mean, girls shove tampons up there all the time.

John: You think she should hide weed…in her vagina?

Me: I mean it’s in plastic, right? I doubt anyone would even pat down the crotch of someone in a skirt. Sounds kind of uncomfortable, but she’s a drug dealer. Do whatcha gotta do, man.

John: I guess that would work as long as the bag didn’t get lost.

Me: You can’t lose things in your vagina. I mean there’s only so many inches in there for it to go.

John: Could you imagine going to the ER to have a bag of pot removed from your crotch?

Me: I so wouldn’t. I would just keep looking till I found that shit. I bet relaxation is the key. If you panic about your coochie weed, then it’ll be harder to get out.  If I started to freak out, I’d just have a couple of glasses of wine.

John: So, you’re gonna what? Watch tv while fishing for vagina weed?

Me: Coochie weed.

John: What if the bag rips?

Me:…..um….

John: It could happen.

Me: Well, I guess you’d just have to warn people before sex for awhile till it worked it’s way out of there. Like, sorry if my vagina feels a little crunchy, it’s just weed remnants.

John: Wow…

Me: I mean, what else are you gonna do? It’s not like you can vacuum in there. I guess you could buy, like, a turkey baster and squirt water  in there or something, but I’m not sure it would really work very well.

John: ….

Me: Though that can’t be sanitary, having bits of plant all up in there.

We should probably take a “Weeds” break and watch something a little more normal. Especially since shortly after this I got images of of a chick growing a weed plant out of her vagina on accident, due to the bag breaking, and having to live her life as an outcast drug dealer because nobody understands her pain. I’m pretty sure this is physiologically impossible, but i mean, plants like warm dark places right?

Right.

Thanks to a suggestion, I hereby copyright the idea of using your vagina as a weedtastic storage option ©

Also the (totally future hit drama) about a girl living, loving and learning, through her trials as the only woman in the world who has a plant growing out of her coochie ©

Like a MoFo.

 

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9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. normalfornorfolkblog
    Oct 16, 2012 @ 10:41:25

    A bag would be easy enough to hide, but what if it is the whole plant? You would need one bucket of a vagina for that one….Okay, I used to be a police officer so I could bore you with tales of where they hide it and how they retrieve it..I don’t think you could actually grow weed in your vagina though, not unless there was enough room for the heat lamp…oh, there we go, we’re on to bucket vagina woman again..

    Reply

    • psychofab
      Oct 16, 2012 @ 10:46:36

      All I can think about in regards to the heat lamp, is the risk of burns to very sensitive places *shudders*.
      Now I swear, if the new season comes out and features Nancy using her vagina as the pot version of a Prada handbag I expect royalties!

      Reply

      • normalfornorfolkblog
        Oct 16, 2012 @ 10:49:53

        You should totally copyright that suggestion on your blog (ALT + 0169…or is it ALT + 0153..) 😉

  2. Courtney
    Oct 16, 2012 @ 17:11:14

    Found my way over here from The Bloggess because I couldn’t resist the title of your post. Now I can’t stop laughing. Thanks for that!

    Reply

  3. nosleepandcrazy
    Oct 17, 2012 @ 06:18:05

    That conversation between you and john gave me more of the giggles than any drug i ever experienced

    Reply

  4. stirling007
    Oct 19, 2012 @ 13:08:22

    Ummm – not sure you can copyright it – it’s been done. . .a lot.

    Reply

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