My Grandmother Called You a HomoWoman. She’s Probably Right, But I’m Very Sorry You Overheard Her

So ever since that movie “The Bucket List” came out, people have been all, oooo over the idea. I haven’t seen the movie, and I don’t have a bucket list. Partially because in all my neurotic abilities the list would just become this glaring taunting asshole which constantly judges how little I’ve managed to accomplish before my impending death. Partially because I’ve been informed that “Grow a unicorn tree” is not an appropriate bucket list entry. What I do have, sir/madam/puppet/super awkward guy that insists on staring at me as i type, is an Avoid-It List.

An Avoid-It list is a list (like whoa I bet you didn’t that coming) of situations which you are bound to encounter due to bad luck, and sheer inability to stop from embarrassing yourself in public. The brilliance of the Avoid-It list is as it forms, it can serve as a reminder to take precautions against it happening again. The sadness of it, is that if it’s on the list then it’s happened to you….

My Avoid-It List:

Walk out of the bathroom with part of your skirt tucked into your underwear/ with it just folded up weird so it looks like it is.

Sent an unflattering text to the person it’s about instead of to the person you’re actually talking to.

Not realize you can see your underthings through that skirt/dress/top.

Going to take a drink at a nice restaurant and somehow missing your mouth.

Going to take a drink with a straw and stabbing yourself in the face with it. Bonus points if it’s in the eye.

Having someone burp in your face when you’re kissing (not as bad as being the burpee, but still quite awkward).

Having a parent or grandparent call in the middle of sex. Bonus points if you accidentally answered it.

Tripped while walking and not managing to stop yourself from face planting.

Sitting on a wall, forgetting how wide the wall is, and scooting back so that you topple off backwards. Bonus points if you’re wearing a skirt at the time.

Getting your hair caught in a row of hangers or accessories in a clothing store and needing help to get lose.

Trying on a dress that is too small, getting into it, but having to ask for help to get back out. Bonus points if it rips in the process.

Having a sudden gust of wind blow your skirt or dress up, revealing your underwear. Bonus points if the underwear is sheer/see-through/or fishnet.

Having your grandparent loudly proclaim as she’s talking to you that certain people are: too fat to wear that dress, ugly, or a homo-woman.

Having same grandparent ask you directly if your mother is a dike.

This is just the start of my Avoid-It list. I think everyone probably has one, whether they realize it or not. What’s on yours?

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