My Brain Itches and the Only Relief is Change


I got a haircut!

So here’s the thing. Every once in awhile I will be struck with the undying need to change something. Anything, preferably something to do with my body. It’s like I wake up one day and when I look in the mirror the image staring back doesn’t quite look like me anymore, isn’t quite what I WANT to be looking back.

I used to dress how I wanted no matter what, but after dealing with people constantly giving me odd looks in stores, my father lamenting that I kept wearing all that “dark stuff” and a boyfriend who (somehow managing to fly in under my bullshit radar) gently and manipulatively edged me in the direction of a more conservative style, my closest’s supply of clothes I actually like has shrunk to a paltry few items. I don’t get gothic clothes as gifts much anymore since, after one totally awesome Christmas in which I got TONS of clothes I like from my mother, my father had a cow and she stopped buying them.

I’m just not being very me anymore.

I’m not sure why I let this happen.

And when I let things like that happen, is when the itch starts. Something in my brain starts to twitch around, searching for an expression outlet, trying to find the quickest change possible so that I can feel more at home in my body.

This isn’t as easy as you’d think.

I work in a suit and tie kind of office and am not a suit and tie kind of girl. Monday through Friday I have to wear something out of character. I can’t add a shocking color or two to my hair. I can’t have visible piercings (Not that my body heals too well from those anyways). And my makeup has to be toned down. My jewelry has to be simple and work appropriate and they even take issue with black nail polish.

I want a tattoo, but I want a SPECIFIC and intricate tattoo. Not exactly the kind of thing you just waltz into the neighborhood tat shop to get, and I’m not about to put something random on my body forevah just because I’m antsy.

I have very little money to go out and fix my closet’s preppy issues.

So…I cut my hair. I like it, and it has calmed the itch for the time being. Meanwhile I will go through my closet and donate things I never wear, and I will slowly create a wardrobe that I actually feel comfortable in. I will stop buying frilly dresses, when what I really want is that plaid tripp skirt.

And I will be me.

I’m not sure what other changes I may make. When my mood is like this I have to be careful not to let mania override my logic. I can’t quit my decent paying job just to work at hot topic so I can blend. I have responsibilities to contend with. But when I figure out exactly which change my brain is itching about, I’ll be sure to let you know.



2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Brandina
    Oct 26, 2012 @ 10:25:35

    I have had the same issue for years. At 35, and with a 16 year old kiddo, it’s difficult to express myself the way I want while still managing to come off to others as someone who is a responsible adult and not trying to ruin my kid’s life because of my alternative lifestyle. My job, like yours, doesn’t allow for much expression – at least not if I want them to take me seriously. My boss regularly ‘confides’ in me about things like those ‘freaks’ with purple hair that he passed on his way to the parking lot today. Funny how he chooses to comment about the one color I’ve wanted to use in my own hair more than any other.

    My son’s friend’s parents don’t respond to me very well when I’m wearing the types of clothes I prefer. I used to be pretty determined to not change for them, but then realized that it affects my son and his relationships with friends far more than it actually affects their parents. So I toned it down, big time, about 10 years ago.

    But when I would get ‘that itch’, it often came down to the same result: cutting my hair. Not just a little, but drastically.


    • psychofab
      Oct 26, 2012 @ 10:55:21

      It can be so suffocating to change yourself to please others. I guess all I can hope for is that if/when I have a child, it will pop out preferring the alternative style and will make friends who have alternative styles. Then the parents would be more accepting. That’s kind of how it worked for me. My mother is a bit of a hippie dresser with an eyebrow piercing, who went through a phase of super short spiked hair.


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