Avoid-It List Part 2: Where I reveal Way Too Much about My Father’s Nuts

As I’ve said before, the tragedy of an Avoid-It List is that it’s already happened, and the best you can do is remove yourself from situations in which it can happen again. But even if it doesn’t ever happen again, there are some things which only need to happen once to scar you immortal soul forevah! For serious. This will be me when I die.

God: Why…why is your soul twitching? I don’t think I made souls with that capability.

Me: You probably didn’t.

God: Um, could you possibly stop it? It’s starting to scare the cherubs.

Me: Sorry about that.

So without further hallucinatory hypothetical situations, I present the Avoid-It List Part 2!!!

Watching your Dad lift a pair of walnuts and hold them together to help you better visualize the fact that, apparently, his balls do not hang evenly.

Upon seeing your tends-to-be violently angry grandmother pull in the driveway, you hit the deck and crawl away to hide out of sheer instinct. Bonus points if you look behind you and realize your mother and cousins are following suit. Deduct points if you were too chicken to go back out once everyone realized you’d abandoned one solitary cousin still in the kitchen.

Having to stall a ride at the fair because your hair has become tangled in the bars above the seat.

Tossing a pillow at your husband on your honeymoon, only to accidentally nail him right in the balls.

Having your husband catch you shaving your toes. (Having anyone catch you shaving your toes)

Having to explain to your boyfriend why he just read a text on your phone from your sis which talks about tiny gnomes tap dancing in her vagina.

Openly talking about how only pregnant brides choose a certain style of dress, only to go to a wedding the next day and the bride be wearing that exact style.

Having your sister in law talk about wanting to make out with you. Bonus points if it’s in front of your mother in law.

having a small child ask you what a masochist is. Bonus points if you totally panicked and the best thing you could come up with was that it is a type of duck.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. nosleepandcrazy
    Nov 12, 2012 @ 10:11:19

    really? A duck? When I spawn something, tell it the truth. I am sure I will get awkward phone calls from uptight parents my spawn relays the story to and I will simply say, “Well, technically my spawn is right.”

    Reply

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