Fireflies from Hell and Wire Hangers

This is a post about random crap I remember in relation to things today. It probably won’t flow very well as a literary piece. But whatev. I use words like twatwaffle and douchenozzle, so I’m not exactly expecting a Pulitzer for my blog.

You know how there’s all this controversy about violence in the media and the whole kids becoming homicidal maniacs thing?

Yeah, I don’t really agree. Should you let a five year old watch a movie in which proliferous decapitation is a thing? Probably not. Though more because of the nightmares and questions about Death that would follow than the possibility of them in turn decapitating the dog. Odds are they won’t decapitate the dog.

They may decapitate their Barbies though.

Because, you see, children pick up on things. But just because they pick up on them doesn’t mean they will enact them out to a “T”. Odds are you’re going to get a vaguely violent theme during a couple Barbie play sessions, which will in no way foreshadow what they will do in the real world as real people.

Barbies are not real. The character you play when you are holding a Barbie is not real. Kids know this. Same applies to video games.

Let me explain my “scientific” proof. Except that it’s not scientific at all and is really more of a group of anecdotes arranged so as to support my theory.

Theory Part 1: Even if you try to show them happy shit, they will still find something sinister in it.

Scientifically Bullshit Proof: See, my sister is eight years older than me, and being older than me she obviously watched lots of movies that were a little…mature… for someone my age to be watching. Most of the time she recognized that and made a good effort to watch “kid friendly” movies.

Even so, I managed to find something wonderfully not “kid friendly” about quite a few of them. For example, there’s…

“Hook” you know the one with Robin Williams? Where he’s a grown up Peter Pan? Awesome movie. I still love it to this day. I’d probably let lots of kids watch it, but I should point out that, if the child is enough of a copycat, there is one issue.

He calls Tinkerbell a firefly from hell. Which is no big deal, you know, until a little 5 year old is running around joyously outside screaming “FIREFLY FROM HELL” at all the lightning bugs. We used to live in a pretty rural area. There were a lot of lightning bugs.

“Drop Dead Fred” Now, I don’t know if this is a kid’s movie. Hard to tell…deals with imaginary friends and also semi-sexual issues…But I watched it. No biggie.

Except that Drop Dead Fred calls the main character’s mother the Mega Bitch….see where this is going?

Not only that, but come on. Disney? They shoot Bambi’s mom, crush Simba’s Dad,  impale Gaston,  strangle that evil dude whose name I can’t remember in Tarzan, spears AND ELECTROCUTES Ursula with a ship, poisons snow white, burns Frollo…

Looks like a peaceful way to go…

That’s a lot of ways to kill people. And they show all of them in “kids” movies.

Depicted: Dead Parent- every child’s fear.

Theory Part 2: Even if you only watch adult movies (not adult as in naughty, you perv) when they are not present, they will STILL pick up on it.

Scientifically Bullshit Proof: “Mother Dearest” Now this one is definitely not a kid’s movie. And my sister totally didn’t let me watch it. Really. I was in a whole other room playing Barbies. At the other end of her house. She had no clue I had picked up on anything from the movie, until she got a phone call informing her that I had started beating my barbies yelling “NO WIRE HANGERS”. See, I couldn’t hear most of the movie because it was turned down, but the scene where the psycho Mom screams that? Yeah, that carried.

Not over reacting at all.

Theory Part 3: It’s kind of in a kid’s nature to be a little violent when playing. It doesn’t mean they’ll grow up to be violent.

Scientifically Bullshit Proof: Let’s see…things I’ve done while playing that I have never done in real life.

1. hung my Barbie by the neck on a fan. Turned fan on. Watched Barbies legs come unhinged and fly across the room.

2. Froze numerous toys in ice water so that my other toys could “excavate” them. I knew in reality that say, my hamster, would die if I froze it in water. Even if I excavated him quickly. That’s why I never froze my hamster.

3. Picked up a hooker then killed her for her cash. Do I really need to explain how any normal functioning person would know this is bad to do in real life?

4. My Barbies had nudist colonies. I am not a nudist.

5. repeatedly stabbed toys with pins. In toy reality the pins were mighty swords. I neither stab real people with pins or swords, unless you count myself. But that was an accident during hide and seek, and people really shouldn’t store open containers of push pins under their bed.

Those are just a few. In Smash Bros I also enjoy gratuitously eating people with Kirby and electrocuting people with Pikachu. I had a torture chamber (which was mostly just styrafoam and string) for evil toys. I don’t even agree with capital punishment, but when I played with Barbies they got torture AND death. This does not translate into real life.

Just something I was thinking about.


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Gorilla Bananas
    Nov 27, 2012 @ 13:31:05

    Yes, you’re right. Children have an inner savage which needs to express itself in harmless ways. Did you let your hamster into the Barbie nudist colony?


  2. nosleepandcrazy
    Dec 10, 2012 @ 05:39:41

    I was soooooo gonna bring up the nudist colony…. thank God I did not do this in real life… I look better in jeans


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