Hence forth they shall be known as Crazypants and Bootylicious

So drama exists, just in case any of you forgot, and she (because this is a stereotype that I believe to be based in a bit of reality) is a crazy motherfucker that will stalk your ass like she’s got a GPS chip implanted in your left butt cheek. There’s no escaping.

I found this out two days ago.

As I was sitting at my desk, still at work and in a shockingly upbeat mood, I get this in my text box (Sort of. I’m going to paraphrase because in reality this person’s spelling/grammar are very difficult to understand in written form)

“Back up and leave me alone. Stop your immature bullshit lying.”

There were more cuss words and it was followed with about two hours of harassing texts. Now, I honestly thought at first that this person had sent a message to the wrong person.

See, I haven’t seen or spoken to this person, who I’m now dubbing crazypants, in about three weeks. Last I saw her was at a small party at my house. Everything seemed fine. Last I texted her was over some drama, which has now grown disproportionately to it’s level of importance.

Basically she hates this chick I introduced her friend to, and they’re dating now. (For the purposes of this story we shall call crazypant’s friend “Her friend” and we shall call MY friend Bootylicious) I asked her to “please try to lay off Bootylicious lol” and continued to explain that she wants to be friends, seeing as she’s dating someone who is connected with her.

There was no fight. No nothing. No cuss words were said, no back and forth, really.

Then weeks later…

I am so angry about this I can barely speak without taking on that vaguely “I am a demon who comes to consume your happiness” tone of voice. Accusations were thrown, I’m not exactly sure what they were because she never said what I was actually lying about. I’m not sure how I’ve done some of the things she claims because I simply don’t talk to her boyfriend, and haven’t really spoken to the couple involved. Also she never really mentioned how I did all these things, just that it’s apparently all my fault.

I’m just so done with people right now. I’ve known this person my entire life. Seriously, there’s pics of us when I’m like 6 going Trick or Treating together. I’d show you, but that would defeat the whole purpose of changing her name. We’ve never had a fallout that involved any sort of back stabbing. Occasionally through the years we lost touch here and there, to reconnect when it was more convenient for both of us. For awhile there she lived an hour away, which is only a big deal when gas is 3-4 dollars, which it always is.

Fact is I’ve never given her a reason to think I’d try to sabotage her, but here we are after three weeks of no communication and BOOM.

The only reason I asked her to back off Bootylicious is because, lately, this crazypants person has gotten into the habit of saying some pretty nasty things to people for no apparent reason. Things like

“Your ass is nasty. You need to go to the gym.”


“You’re boring”

Sometimes she’s more inventive, but the point is that these are not “Joke” insults. They’re just insults.

Out of the blue and to someone who has never done a single thing to her. She said that “nasty ass” one to Bootylicious (because she is bootylicious, but it’s not nasty).

I can speculate as to why she has this vitriol against her. I know she’s lying about why, because she tried to convince Bootylicious that I may or may not have told crazypants that Bootylicious was a “whore”.

First off, even if I think so lowly of someone that I would seriously comment on their promiscuity, that’s what I’d say. They are promiscuous. I’ve probly dropped the joking “Hoe” before, but whore?

I never say whore.

See, I have this thing with that word where I fucking hate it. Somehow in grade school people decided it was fun to call me a whore, or a hooker, and stuff poorly drawn stick figures doing sex acts into my locker. Usually it was of two chicks because I was also apparently a lesbian, and this was when we were all young enough that two chicks making out was still icky instead of “hawt”.

Please forgive me for typing “hawt” and forcing it upon your unsuspecting eyeballs…


If someone called me “whore,” even jokingly, I used to get very upset. I don’t do that as much now because I realize people are joking. Camo Pants says it a lot, and I know he means nothing by it, but for me to use it against someone would make me highly uncomfortable.

Second off, well…I didn’t call her a whore. So while I’m the bad guy in this made-up drama, she is the one trying to sabotage my friendships.

As angry as I am about all of this I’m also just a little broken hearted. It’s true that crazypants’s (crazypants’, crazypantii…) behavour has been basically appalling lately, but I swear maybe two years ago crazypants would not have been an appropriate nickname. Well…it’s probably still not appropriate per say but it is applicable at this point in time and it’s my blog so nyah!

It’s depressing that the insanely hyper, but overall nice girl, I used to basically think of as family has become the kind of person to lash out and attack people around her just because she can.

And I guess that’s why I’m having trouble letting go of it. I’ve known her forever so I know she’s capable of being a nice person. It’s not like she was born spitting hate at people. And I’ve been defending her for about a year to other friends of mine whom she’s insulted or annoyed.

I guess I just felt like maybe she was doing it because she didn’t know them and was on edge or uncomfortable. But I don’t think that’s it now. It’s almost like she thinks it’s cool to say these things. Like it somehow makes her a braver person, but in reality she’s just being hurtful.

I’m pretty sure it isn’t fixable. Not after the things she sent. And I know she isn’t going to sit down and reflect any time soon. Not only that, but I left a very serious and rage-faced voicemail after the last text she sent because man did it just hit all the wrong buttons, and I hadn’t been replying for nearly an hour so it was becoming obvious she wasn’t going to let it go.

I didn’t threaten her or cuss her out. But to be honest, I was in the middle of a store and everyone was looking at me with bug-eyes despite me intentionally not raising my voice or cussing, so I’m pretty sure my tone sounded “I shall consume your joy” regardless of the actual words I used.

Anyways. One friendship lost, after nearly 20 years, over nothing. Over imaginary drama that I wasn’t even aware of because I’ve been damn busy remodeling my house and making Thanksgiving food.

Which reminds me…


This is my NEW door…to the alternate reality beneath my house.


This is my OLD door, which got kicked in.


Also I’m sure you can see where it went from moldy pea soup color to happy color.

Here’s to small victories, and imaginary dimensions beneath houses only accessible by hallway floor doors.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. normalfornorfolkblog
    Nov 28, 2012 @ 11:16:00

    I know how you feel, I too have people in my life who don’t seem to be able to exist unless they are surrounded by ‘drama’. I don’t know why they feel this need, surely their obvious talent for dramatics would be better used in other areas. I have a theory that tv shows like Jeremy Kyle, Maury and Cheaters are to blame..Maybe they see all the drama going on there amoungst the inbreeds and think “why is my life not that dramatic??” and just make shit up to compensate. I suppose essentially I am saying we are what we watch…I love things like CSI and stuff which probably explains why all the sharp objects have been removed from my house…


  2. Trackback: To my father, purveyor of the Old Man Dance « PsychoFab

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