I can’t just let you go down like this

Imagining the landscapes as your eyes see them

The contours of the world so blurred

It’s impossible to see the details,

the sparks worth living for,

the faces worth reaching out to touch.

Why do you sink so slowly, so serenely to the bottom?

With no fight left to breathe,

no will to reach forward and grasp,

you rest upon the bottom and sigh out,

knowing there’s nothing left to take in.

Imagining the clouds as you breathe them

hollowing out your chest to make room for the pain

Withering your bones to reduce your resistance

They settle on your chest.

no space

no hope

just passive permission to go

and never come back.

Imagining the hurt as you feel it

crisp and light,

settling on every surface of your skin.

Imagining all this I feel the anger you used to have,

the push to fight past it,

the need to defeat it.

Please, take this from me.

Borrow my anger and resistance.

Borrow the world through my eyes.

Let it crush me for awhile,

let it haunt me while I sleep.

Just take it,

long enough to remember why,

Long enough to understand,

I can’t just let you go down like this

and never get back up.

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It’s My Birthday Bitches! I mean…lovely decent human beings whom I care deeply for!

It’s my birthday BITCHES!!!

Yeah…so…I’m trying not to get very excited here seeing as my birthday has notoriously been awful.

From grade school parties where only 2 people showed up… During the years where all you care about is The Little Mermaid and gummy worms, that shit buuurns, dude.

To my 16th, on which a douche broke up with me. Sweet 16, mother fucker. In all fairness my actual party was fun that year.I didn’t drink then so instead we all just drowned our sorrows with ridiculous amounts of pixie stix and that sparkling grape juice that makes you feel all fancy.

To two years of lackluster-nada

I don’t even remember my 20th, yo.

21st…yeah. A friend’s car magically disengaged it’s parking break and rolled backward almost crushing my father as he tried to stop it from creaming the other cars. I failed to get drunk, or even really buzzed, and multiple friends decided to claw at each others faces with verbal ninja stars when we tried to play a simple game of  “what the f*ck”

and my 22nd? yeah, Puking my guts up in the ER. Nothing makes you feel young and vibrant like frantically clutching a bucked in a cold hard ER waiting room chair that smells equal parts puke and medical grade cleaner.

So this year? Let’s not fuck this shit up, ok?

DOES THAT LOOK LIKE A HAPPY FACE TO YOU???

WHAT THE HELL???

WHAT THE HELL??

WHY??? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO THAT POOR NEKKID CAT???  Somebody should dangle you from your extra skin you nekkid  cat hater!

That is all.

Um…Maybe you should see a doctor about that…

So I haz a lizard. We eyeball him nervously every five seconds for any signs of illness or lack of eating.

We have joyous dreams of when he gets older, and we can ride him around on a remote controlled truck like the bad ass he is.

We want to take hilariously captioned pictures, where he is Godzilla, attacking unsuspecting Asian peeps.

But i don’t have any Asian toys….so…I Googled “Asian action figures.

This is the first thing i see….

20121226-120730.jpg

Fire? Blood? Smurf or gnome? So many questions.

This is the second…

20121226-121009.jpg

Ninja-Bama!

Make of this what you will.

DOES THAT LOOK LIKE A HAPPY FACE TO YOU???

WHAT THE HELL???

WHAT THE HELL??

WHY??? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO THAT POOR NEKKID CAT???  Somebody should dangle you from your extra skin you nekkid  cat hater!

That is all.

Frustration. It’s not just…a …um…oh never mind.

Do not ask me to introduce you to someone to date…..

Then when it doesn’t work tell me I need to avoid mentioning them in conversations because you’re “done” with them. This is not high school. I value my friendships deeply, even if they are new.

Do not ask me a question…

then get angry at me when I give you an honest answer.You complain about people not being honest and how you can’t fix something if people won’t tell you what’s wrong. I told you.

Do not ask me about my “mental illness”…

and then get weird around me. That isn’t all that defines me. It never has been and you have known me long enough to realize that. If you can’t get past it, then I really don’t think I’m the one with the problem.

And now, funny cat pictures to distract you from the fact that this post was lame.

I don't think this is what ze humans use these for...

I don’t think this is what ze humans use these for…

Lean on MEEE WHEN YOU'RE NOT STROOOOOONG!

Lean on MEEE WHEN YOU’RE NOT STROOOOOONG!

Dude...what was in that tea?

Dude…what was in that tea?

Bob????

Bob????

For Every Perfect Smile

Please look at me, and see

There’s the happy little family

and the cozy little home, but

for every perfect little smile there’s a perfect little cut.

 

Please listen to me, and hear

there’s the quirky attitude everyone holds dear

and the pretty little dance she does every afternoon, but

for every perfect smile there’s a perfect little cut.

 

Please hold me, don’t let go

there’s a reason my responses are coming so slow.

There’s the happy little family

and the cozy little home, but

For every perfect smile there’s a perfect little cut.

 

Please talk to me and be true

Because a lie  hurts her more than it does  you.

I move like I’m alive, and I laugh on cue, but

For every perfect smile there’s a perfect little cut.

 

And for every fake friend there’s a wound you can’t see

And every insult a tear in my seams.

And every love lost a hole in my heart

And hiding all this is tearing me apart

 

But I ask you to see

And I beg you to hear

I scream and shake and it’s just as I feared.

 

That as long as I smile

and as long as I laugh

you pretend not to hear

you may as well be deaf.

 

But look at me damnit

I’m standing right here!

I’m not going away and  neither will your fear

 

that one day the cuts will get too deep

and one day the dance will become a leap

and one day the attitude will just break down

and what are you going to do with me now?

 

because you act like you don’t know

and I pretend like it’s not me

but no matter how we try it’s just plain to see

 

There may be a happy little family

and a cozy little home

But none of that matters when it’s all said and done

because for every perfect smile there’s a perfect little cut

This is a door you can’t just slam shut.

 

You read lines like this and you push it away

Artistic freedom or some such you’ll say

but you’ll wonder why the lines switch from her to me

and I’ll wonder why you just refuse to see

that for every perfect smile there’s a perfect little cut

and I’ve done everything to beg for help

but…

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