This is a post about sex…

So if you’re Mom or Dad (HI! Thanks for supporting my blogging!) you may or may not want to stop reading. It’s not graphic or anything, but you can’t read this and pretend I don’t have sex (I’m married Dad, geez lol)

So, I’m not hardwired to be magically horny at all times. I’m one of those girls who takes work…like actual effort to really get into the mood most times. This isn’t a HUGE problem for the hubby (I’m not like, sexually withered or nothin)  but sometimes I just want to smack him on the forehead or tack the upcoming list to his nether regions…you know. As a helpful reminder. As a side note, this list isn’t about things only my husband does. He’s only guilty of a few of them. This is a list of things, universally, that guys do  that just makes our vagina’s want to run and hide.

1. DON’T talk to me in a baby voice. Why the hell would that be sexy? I have no clue, but more than one ex in the past did this. It’s annoying and makes my skin crawl. We are women. Do you know what our natural response is to the sound of babies? Anxiety….magical boob milk…Did it just poo its pants?

Do you really want us randomly picturing you shitting your pants when you’re trying to get us to allow humping? If so, stop reading this and go get therapy.

2. The boobs do not twist off. Enough said.

3.  Do not call yourself Daddy, or any variation. Do not call me Mommy, or any variation. I shouldn’t even have to type this….

4. WHY??? WHY???? DO YOU ALWAYS WAIT TO INITIATE SEX UNTIL I’M TUCKED INTO BED WITH A COMFY PILLOW????? WHY???? Let me tell you something. I hardly ever say no to sex for any reason but one.  I AM FUCKING TIRED. If I am tired, you aren’t getting nookie. If you approach me at any point in time during the day where my goal is not to close my eyes and drift swiftly away from consciousness…you have a really good chance. I’m a reasonable woman. Unless you walk up swinging your penis like a windmill…ok maybe even then. That takes self confidence to do, yall. But if I’m tired? Hah! Look, I’m B12 Deficient. I don’t make HEMOGLOBIN. I am a tired motherfucker. If my head hits that pillow and I roll over into my sleepy time-hug my body pillow position, boy you ain’t getting nothin.

5. Master? Really????

6. DON’t WAIT TILL I’M TRYING TO SLEEP.

7. So, when’s the last time you showered? Cuz uh, let me clue you in. Your dick? Yeah…when you don’t shower it starts to smell like mushrooms. I don’t know if you like to eat mushrooms, I mean…I like mushrooms as part of my dinner. They’re, like, healthy and shit. But the smell? Not so much. You know what shouldn’t smell like mushrooms? Your dick. You know what happens if you drop trow and your dick smells like mushrooms? nothing. Except maybe laughter.

8. Are those tighty whiteys?

9. So..is that, like, your penis? Or…a bird’s nest? A penis…oh ok. So, um…don’t take this the wrong way but, are you sure there’s a penis in there?

10. DON’T WAIT TILL I’M TRYING TO SLEEP.

Yea…so. Simple enough, right?

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