You do realize pee germs are, like, flocking down your throat hole right now?

Ok girls, we need to talk.

You see, I have this issue. This issue where I’m a little pee shy. I know, I know, if I’m pee shy then why am I blogging about peeing, right? Well, let me tell you.

I’m pee shy…so I’d like it if you’d get the fuck away from the stall door while I’m peeing.

Look, I’m the kinda girl that turns the faucet on if I think my husband can hear me peeing, and yet here I am, bug-eyed and stressed, unable to pee because you…YOU are having a conversation right outside the stall door.

You’re just standing there…I can SEE you. If you look to your right you could probably see me…peeing.

And this is a problem for me.

Look, I’m really sorry that your diabetes is acting up. That must suck, taking pills all the time because you can’t stop buying chocolate cake at lunch.

That’s right…I saw you.

And I’m being mean to you about it because, quite frankly, your behavior is baffling to me at the moment. It’s just that…your diabetes?

Yeah, this  really isn’t the place to discuss that. You had to up your dose? Really? Well, I think you could inform your friend there about that outside the bathroom. Perhaps just even beside the sink….

I’m reasonable.

yepYou see that long rectangle up there? It’s the sink…that you could be standing by instead of my stall door. It’s like…three feet away, if that. If you feel like being extra helpful you could turn the sink on. You know, wash your hands so i can pretend you can’t hear me peeing, even though you must know I’m peeing because you’ve been standing outside my stall, right by that crack that is oddly wide enough to see through. I mean, it’s almost 2013…can’t we build a stall with less inch wide cracks by now? It’s designed to create privacy. Private places do not have inch wide peeping holes. That you’re standing by. Pervert.

And not only this, ladies. Noooo, not only this.

See, I’m having trouble with the part that comes before the peeing as well. You know, the part where I need to get inside the bathroom.

yeah…

zoneNow, I know we are women, and by nature we are meant to be chatty. But why do you want to chat by the bathroom? Are the sounds of peeing calming to you? Is this some PTSD thing you have left over from when you were five and you walked into the bathroom because well, it wasn’t locked and you were left wondering why daddy pees standing up?

Don’t get all offended now I’m just trying to understand the logic here. I mean…it’s a bathroom. It’s germy and smelly. Every time you open your mouth in there you’re inviting pee germs to float ominously down your throat hole. Yet here you are, both outside the bathroom (perfectly within germ wafting distance) and inside the bathroom.

No, I’m not germaphobic…I’m just saying.

Geez. All I want to do is pee in peace.

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11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Seasweetie
    Dec 20, 2012 @ 09:12:38

    It has taken me years to overcome pee-shyness. And sometimes it’s still a struggle. I sympathize and totally agree.

    Reply

    • psychofab
      Dec 20, 2012 @ 09:48:27

      I mean, I get NOT being pee shy. I’d like it if I were less pee shy…but wanting to talk right by someone who is peeing? That’s like, opposite end of the spectrum.

      Reply

      • Seasweetie
        Dec 20, 2012 @ 10:29:10

        I get you. Maybe we need to stealth-post some etiquette rules in the ladies rooms at our workplaces. And yes, mind the gap. I love those bathrooms that are like full closets with doors and floor to ceiling walls.

      • psychofab
        Dec 20, 2012 @ 10:41:07

        Me too! I guess we could just put post-it notes all down the crack that say “don’t look you perv!”

  2. normalfornorfolkblog
    Dec 20, 2012 @ 09:23:27

    I was shocked by the size of the gaps down the toilet doors in New York! They are huge!! I could virtually put my head in them and scream “HEEERRREE”S SAMMY!!” all The Shining stylie…Why are the gaps so big? What do they think you are going to get up to that needs monitoring so closely?

    Reply

  3. evilsquirrel13
    Dec 20, 2012 @ 14:17:06

    It’s even worse for us menfolk with pee-shyness at a urinal. And God forbid if they have one of those communal urinal troughs… if I wanted to flip my wang out in the open for everyone to see, I’d have become a Chippendale.

    Reply

  4. jeneralinsanity
    Dec 26, 2012 @ 11:21:56

    I have no problem going pee in public, but I can totally imagine how much that would suck. HOWEVER: I have an extremely difficult time going #2 anywhere but at home. I avoid it whenever possible, but sometimes – ya just gotta go! I try to keep it short (pun intended) so that nobody realizes what I’m doing. I usually hope that they are in and out quickly (people, not poop. Never poop in. bad idea). I’ve sit there and pulled at my pant legs so that if someone were to look underneath, they’d think I was done (secretly I’m still pooping), and I say things like “damn zipper is stuck” to myself, but loudly enough for them to hear, because in my head, they didn’t just peek through that gaping crack and see me sitting there pushing as if I were pretending to be a machine gun when they walked by.

    Reply

  5. jeneralinsanity
    Dec 26, 2012 @ 11:25:26

    I also thought that this post was going to be something X-Rated because of the title. Way to trick me… Thanks, jerk! :p

    Reply

  6. nosleepandcrazy
    Jan 03, 2013 @ 06:19:22

    I hate the kids that literally watch you, they look right in and you can hear the parents chatting away about what Angelina wore at the Oscars last night… and their damn kid… who many times is not the sex meant for the room I am in… they have their fucking eye balls smashed up against the crack that yes, is TOO wide and yes they should make smaller.

    Reply

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