It’s My Birthday Bitches! I mean…lovely decent human beings whom I care deeply for!

It’s my birthday BITCHES!!!

Yeah…so…I’m trying not to get very excited here seeing as my birthday has notoriously been awful.

From grade school parties where only 2 people showed up… During the years where all you care about is The Little Mermaid and gummy worms, that shit buuurns, dude.

To my 16th, on which a douche broke up with me. Sweet 16, mother fucker. In all fairness my actual party was fun that year.I didn’t drink then so instead we all just drowned our sorrows with ridiculous amounts of pixie stix and that sparkling grape juice that makes you feel all fancy.

To two years of lackluster-nada

I don’t even remember my 20th, yo.

21st…yeah. A friend’s car magically disengaged it’s parking break and rolled backward almost crushing my father as he tried to stop it from creaming the other cars. I failed to get drunk, or even really buzzed, and multiple friends decided to claw at each others faces with verbal ninja stars when we tried to play a simple game of  “what the f*ck”

and my 22nd? yeah, Puking my guts up in the ER. Nothing makes you feel young and vibrant like frantically clutching a bucked in a cold hard ER waiting room chair that smells equal parts puke and medical grade cleaner.

So this year? Let’s not fuck this shit up, ok?

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Seasweetie
    Dec 28, 2012 @ 15:25:50

    OK, happy birthday with extra sparkles and spells for non-puking, non-dumping, non-crashing, non-douching, fancy grape juice joy. Feel free to add your own “non-whatever” if I left anything out. But seriously, I can relate. Until very recently, the only thing I wanted for my birthday was for no one to make me cry.

    Reply

  2. Valerie
    Jan 01, 2013 @ 22:38:31

    Happy HAPPY (late) birthday!!! I blame the cold medicine. Sorry I’m late!

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    Reply

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