I could make reflections bounce off your forehead, but I won’t, cuz I’m classy as fuck.

Everyone looks for certain things in a romantic partner, yet we consistently end up in bad relationships, looking back and literally going “What in all the fuck happened here???”

Most chicks have some vague set of rules or reasons she will say “yes” to a date. She’s accumulated them through time and hopes to all that is holy that they will steer her in the right direction.

You know…the “I’m NOT Dating a Sociopath” direction.

It never works.

Reasons I said Yes to a date vs why I probably shouldn’t have:

1. He had a ball pit in his basement: This seemed fun and goofy. Plus, getting to watch horror movies while literally swishing around in a ball pit you know hasn’t had a five year old pee in is awesome.

Reasons why this was bad? He wasn’t awesome. He wasn’t fun or goofy. This boy must’ve used the entire sum of his uniqueness to create that tiny ball pit. His conversation was enough to have me texting my friends begging one of them to fall down some stairs and need emergency transportation to the ER. He lived with like 8 sloppy people and actually thought having a collection of Spencer’s Porno posters made him cool. It didn’t. It made him a douche that was trying way too hard to have swag.

You want to have a few half nekkid ladies hanging around your place? Fine. Hang them in the bedroom. The bathroom. The movie watching room. Collection of porn? Whatever. I’ll even forgive that weird Japanese tentacle shit as long as it’s for comedic purposes, but lining your hallway? with scotch tape?

That’s the kind of  in your face “I’m a SEXUAL MALE. Hear me ROAR” that proves with absolutely no doubt that in the sack you’ll probably have the rhythm of a 10 year old epileptic with a strange strobe light obsession. I’m pretty sure he thought this brazen display of nekkid was a signal of his lack of give a fuck, but really all it did was prove he did give a fuck. This kid wanted so badly for chicks to think he was bad ass. It was painful.

2. I felt bad saying no without actually getting to know him: The idea here is that a shy, nerdy (not in the cute way), awkward dude is probably only shy, nerdy, and awkward because he doesn’t know you. He’s nervous. Maybe given the chance he would blossom into Brad Pitt and carry you to happiness upon wings that smell of roses, complete with a  lifetime supply of cookies included. It’s not right of you to judge him right off and not even give him a chance right?

Wrong. So wrong. The first Red Flag is that you feel guilty for saying no. Do you know why? This kid oozes self pity. He fucking OOZES IT. His personality has the emotional equivalent of Gangrene, girl, and he’s waving that shit in your face and subconsciously saying it’s going breach the brain’s protective barrier and  kill him in .2 seconds if you don’t give him a chance. This is the guy that always wants to know what’s wrong but you never tell him cuz it will make that bitch CRY.

Normally, saying no should make you feel awkward, slightly uncomfortable. A temporary “I didn’t wanna hurt his feelings” but if you have actual guilt? Enough to make you say “yes” when all your internal alarms are going “RUUUUUN. HIS DNA WILL WRECK YO’ FUTURE BABIES”

Just don’t do it.

3. He kept giving me mixed cd’s  with awesome music on them: This is the only one that wasn’t a total failure. I mean, I got like 40 cd’s worth of new music, and that shit is still there even after you’ve labeled him an emo douche and moved on. Rock those cd’s. You earned them.

4.He was cute: Yeah, he was also dumb. Like really dumb. And obsessed with golf.

5. He suggested a restaurant I actually liked: So, this was probably karma biting me in the ass. Accepting a date for a free meal is never really a good thing, but I wasn’t totally sure that was the only reason I’d accepted it. We’d only talked a little in person, but mostly through text and on the phone. Some people do not have game when on the phone. Have you met my husband? he’s monotone as shit on the phone. In real life he does Gir impressions and lick attacks my face for the hell of it. This guy…oh this guy was not just boring.

This guy was a bitch.

He started off the date commenting upon my nail polish, which was blue. Apparently this wasn’t a very classy color and revealed my age. I was younger than him and this was apparently a huge thing. Yes … by like two fucking years.

Next it was my voice. I apparently have a baby voice.

Then it was my choice of food. I wasn’t a “risk taker”.

This guy just COULD NOT get over the age difference. I guess I could’ve retaliated and pointed out that, yes, I have a young voice and sometimes a young style, but at least I wasn’t 23 with a massively receding hairline. (I could’ve used my fork to make reflections bounce off his forehead) but I’m classy as fuck, so I didn’t.

Not only that, but he totally thought the date went well. Lack of self awareness, much?

6. He had the balls to walk up to me in a mall and just ask. Yeah…he’d had a lot of practice. He was a Jehovist Witness.


What are some reasons y’all have accepted dates?


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Heather
    Jan 02, 2013 @ 15:26:52

    who was number 6? and LOL i know exactly who number 3 is, some of that music wasn’t bad. number 5 just sounds like a jerk


    • psychofab
      Jan 02, 2013 @ 16:26:04

      His name was …You know I don’t remember the name of number 6 lol. I went on one date with him, and then he obsessively called me for three weeks. I told him I wasn’t interested, and he called one more time begging me to meet him at the airport, as he was leaving..to…somewhere that I don’t remember lol. Number 5 was a jerk. Who thinks mocking your voice, age, nail polish, and food is sexy?


    • nosleepandcrazy
      Jan 03, 2013 @ 07:02:42

      Yo yo, you need to read my stuffs too


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