Hibernation

Well, a classic bipolar moment for me occurred yesterday, despite my best intentions.

I call it hibernating.

I don’t know what finally got to me. Lord knows enough is changing right now to have set it off.  I’ve never done well with change and it seems I come by that naturally through my mother. But, no matter what the exact cause (honestly, sometimes there is no exact) after I got home I ate a bowl of chili, sat on the couch briefly, and then….laid down.

And I didn’t get back up.

I knew it was probably a mistake as I climbed into the covers. Yes, I was tired. I’ve gotten my medicines all mixed up and have missed some synthroid. Being tired is to be expected, but I knew damn well if I let myself lay down that I probably wouldn’t move again.

At first I slept in clothes, because I was going to get up in an hour and a half.

But then I didn’t.

I groggily turned off my alarm when it started blaring in my ear, and rolled over, kicking off my socks. I set the alarm for 30 minutes later.

When that alarm went off I turned it off, and shimmied out of my yoga pants, scooting farther into my mound of blankets.

When the next alarm went off, I was out of denial mode and deep into the “fuck this” mode.

I felt a little sick to my stomach, so I just laid there, not even bothering to reset the alarm.

I slept straight from 6:00pm- when I got up for work today.

Nothing got me up. I didn’t get up when it was time to go to the gym.

I didn’t get up when my phone went off more than a dozen times.

I didn’t get up when John got home.

And  I didn’t get up when the nightmares started.

When the depression is really bad I’ll do this at least once a week. It’s been a long time since the last time, so I guess I should be some what happy about that, but mostly I’m just disappointed. I had things to do, things I needed to do, that will still be sitting there when I get home.

There’s really no point in dwelling on it though.

I’ll just have to do better today.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Katie
    Feb 05, 2013 @ 09:50:55

    Just take it one day at a time. 🙂 That’s all you can do in life.

    Reply

  2. Valerie
    Feb 05, 2013 @ 22:34:13

    I think you should pretend that you are a bear. That always makes me feel better. Because I like to roar and honey is delicious. You’ll be just fine!!

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    Reply

  3. the audacious amateur blogger
    Feb 18, 2013 @ 19:55:30

    I have been in hibernation mode for about 2 months. I slept – naturally 14 hours last night That cannot be normal. The only two things that get me out from my covers are – skiing (which I now a bust since spraining my ankle yesterday, ironically, by tripping over my ski bag on the way to the bathroom – yes clean room is on my LIST) and a new job.

    How to break free? I will be forced out of my bed for things. Apt hunting, work, doctors appts, but when will the time come that I get our from the covers out of my OWN motivation??

    This is probably a useless answerless question but any insight would help.

    Reply

    • psychofab
      Feb 27, 2013 @ 17:52:29

      Oh I wish I had a great answer for you, but it’s just never that simple. The absolute only thing to do is force it until it stops feeling forced. I hope things get better for you very quickly.

      Reply

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