Thieves and Lawn Care

So, you stole my lawn mower. You insignificant little shit. You were driving through our neighborhood, I assume probably in someone else’s car because I don’t picture the types of low lifes who creep around in back yards to jack push mowers are the type to have a phat ride, and saw our half landscaped lawn, our paint chipped and peeling front door, our mass encampment of bitchin’ dandelions… And thought to yourself.
“These. These people deserve to have their day ruined.”

So, you moseyed on back into our yard and took a glance around and eyeing literally the only thing worth any value, swiped it, and went and pawned it off somewhere for 50 bucks.

Fuck you.

Rumor has it, that you’re probably some criminal whose moved into the newly renovated apartments at the edge of our neighborhood. This is possible. I, personally, think you’re probably that fat puberty stricken punk who lives next door and thinks I don’t notice him staring at me creepily through the drawn curtains.
I see you. I also see you when you stroll through my yard like its a side walk. I see you when you toss your trash onto the driveway, one foot from the actual trash can, so that it may waft with the wind into my yard which, while vaguely disassembled at the moment, has an owner who will report you to your landlord. While I’m at it, I’ll mention that your house is so full of refuse that you have multiple raccoons living in the attic, and that I don’t appreciate their close proximity to my door. They’re big, and I don’t fancy rabies shots in my tender bits just because you can’t throw a pizza box away.


Seriously am not joking about the raccoon.
But it’s ok. Either way. Whether you be a meth addicted hobo or a pimply teen. See, I bought a fence, you skanky ass punk.
But nooo, not your usual fence. I bought a tiny metal strand…and I will be wrapping this tiny strand around my new lawnmower. I will be posting a sign about this strand, in a place, where non-thieves who only creep through yards in daylight and with permission, will notice.
But not you. You won’t see the sign, because when you’re being a creepy fuck, the only thing you care about is the soon to be illegally acquired assets.
No. You won’t see it.
But you’ll feel that shit when it electrocutes your grubby little fingers and ankles! And when you yelp in shock and electric discomfort?
We will laugh. We will laugh and grab our gun to stick in your face if you’re stupid enough to wiggle my door knob again. Yeah, I heard you. As of today my house is armed, bitch. By an electric fence and weaponry. Fuck you.

I hope you trip and it gets you in the eyeball.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Courtney
    May 22, 2013 @ 16:45:28

    That’s fucking low, to steal someone’s lawnmower. Someone did the same thing to my grandmother. They pulled up in her driveway, went under her carport, and stole her riding lawnmower. And to do that to an old woman who lives alone in the country is to be a special kind of douchebag.


  2. nosleepandcrazy
    Aug 25, 2013 @ 03:46:54

    That is totally low. Same thing has happened to my Aunt, more than once. Wish she was pro-gun


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