Stop the Hate

I currently weigh 177 pounds. I carry my weight well, and some if that is muscle from constant lifting at work and exercise in the gym, but not enough of it.

I have days where I wrap my arms around my body and hate it. I hate it enough that I hate being touched. Being seen. Being outside of my home.

I have days, though not many, where I’ve thrown up what I’ve eaten, then sat in terrified silence, hoping it won’t become a habit.

And then I have days where I force myself to get up, get dressed, and look at myself with pride and love. Shaky love, but love that I hope will become more stable, if I could only feed it a little more often (and perhaps my body a little bit less).

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Today, I am wondering why I let my own self doubt and judgement crush me.

Today, I put on a dress that does not hide the hips that are a little too round, or the bruises that never seem to go away, no matter how diligently I avoid bumping into furniture.

Today I am looking at myself, and yes, I am sticking to my diet to lose a few pounds, but until then…
I refuse to hate what I see.

I know I am not obese by any means. And on a decent day, I recognize my disgust as what it is, an extremely warped body image, mixed with a bit of low self esteem, and a whole lot of self doubt. But no matter how out of touch I may be with how the world sees me, and how I should see myself, everyone has days where they just can’t feel beautiful.

We all need to work a little harder, to get a little better about that. Put on something you love. Dance to a song that makes you feel sexy. And google how the fuck to do your hair like Marilyn Monroe, because that shit doesn’t come natural to everyone.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Courtney
    Jul 29, 2013 @ 09:39:38

    You look amazing. Don’t be down on yourself over a silly thing like weight.

    Reply

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