It’s Like a Roller Coaster, But With Drowning

I’m on the roller coaster. In some ways this is great. It means I’m not drowning. I have moments and hours where I look around me and go, ok, I can do this. This is doable. The ride goes up, and I start to feel good. Things are funny again. I take a deep breath…

And then the ride drops even faster than it rose. I get drug under, and no matter how hard I tug at the seatbelt it just won’t release. I feel the unease filling my lungs because I have no choice but to open my mouth and try for air.

And then back up.

It’s maddening. And i get so frustrated with myself because during the moments I could be breathing, instead I’m frantic and panicked, awaiting the moment I go under again.

I need to try to live for the breaths and not for the dives.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Brandina
    Jul 31, 2013 @ 23:22:58

    I have been following your blog for a while. First it was because I could relate to your experiences. Now it’s because I was recently diagnosed as bipolar, at 35. It’s so difficult sometimes to put into words the roller coaster, but just today I managed to make it through multiple ups and downs. It’s exhausting in so many different ways. Thank you for sharing what you do.

    Reply

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