Hell Skittles

Ok, seriously.

This needs to be asked. This needs to be answered.

What the hell is wrong with the Skittles ad team???

Guys, girls, deliriously twisted peeps whose mommies obviously didn’t hold them enough, WHAT THE FUCKING DUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU???

The above is deeply upsetting to my brain cells.

Are you receiving treatment? Do you need drugs? Because if it’s a financial issue I will start a fucking fundraiser to buy you people psych meds.

Since your brains are either completely malnourished or currently being controlled by the twitching fingers of satan itself, let me fill you in…

There are things that make people want candy. Most things make people want candy. I should know. I’m a people. There are very few things that don’t make people want candy.

Gee that’s odd looking…

Dear all that is holy no!

Watching people eat someone’s skittle sweat, pull skittle pox out of someone’s face and pop them right into their mouths, or FRENCH A DUDE IN ORDER TO PULL OUT AND EAT HIS SKITTLE TEETH does not make people want candy.

The only kind of “people” (and I’m using that term loosely because I am in no way convinced you aren’t hell spawn come to kill my childlike joy) that would think these images are appetizing, are those with an unhealthy obsession regarding ingesting parts of human flesh.

I believe y’all are insane. And not the quirky kind of insane that this generation finds so appealing. You, Skittle Ad Spawn, are the kind of insane that involves recreating their sicko fantasies under the guise of selling candy.

None of the above makes me want to go out and taste the motherfucking rainbow. It makes me want to cleanse my eyeballs with bleach while huddling in a corner twitching.

I’m slightly concerned that your company is secretly trying to brainwash the masses to accept small scale cannibalism.

This is serious shit, people. Laugh now, but one day, we are going to wake up to small children straddling us, holding pliers, and laughing maniacally as they ask if we have a “sweet” tooth.

Suddenly puns are terrifying.