Avoid-It list Pt. 3

It’s been a long time since I’ve made an Avoid-It addition. This is in no way because I’ve miraculously avoided humiliating situations, and more due to general forgetfulness. I’d love to pretend that since the last post I’ve become the epitome of fucking grace and poise, but I just stood up a second ago and realized my boot is stuck to my tights.

Once more with things to avoid…

Showing an in-law a photo of your dogs on your phone, only for her to tap the screen, bringing up the camera roll of most recent shots. Namely, so many tits. Bonus points if your in-laws are conservative southern baptists.

Showing a friend a photo of a hair-do on the phone. Only for her to scroll through without saying anything. You only realize when she whistles at your husband’s dick.

Sitting cross-legged in a pair of knee high boots and tights and getting your boot zipper stuck in the vaguely crotch-area of said tights. Bonus points if you don’t realize until you stand up. Bonus Bonus points if you don’t realize until you’ve fallen out of the chair.

Going to take a drink of green tea and totally missing your mouth, spilling it down your dress which, wow, lookit how see-through that material gets when wet! Bonus points if you’re not wearing a bra.

Getting profusely ill at a gas station bathroom and having to listen to a little girl tell her mommy that she “reeeeeeally” needs to go while you try so super hard to finish vomiting.

Sitting cross-legged and not realizing your shoe is hooked in the torn hem of your skirt, standing up and basically pantsing yourself.

Trying to pick up your fork in a restaurant and inexplicably manage to shoot it across the room and onto another diner’s table.

 

 

Avoid-It List Part 2: Where I reveal Way Too Much about My Father’s Nuts

As I’ve said before, the tragedy of an Avoid-It List is that it’s already happened, and the best you can do is remove yourself from situations in which it can happen again. But even if it doesn’t ever happen again, there are some things which only need to happen once to scar you immortal soul forevah! For serious. This will be me when I die.

God: Why…why is your soul twitching? I don’t think I made souls with that capability.

Me: You probably didn’t.

God: Um, could you possibly stop it? It’s starting to scare the cherubs.

Me: Sorry about that.

So without further hallucinatory hypothetical situations, I present the Avoid-It List Part 2!!!

Watching your Dad lift a pair of walnuts and hold them together to help you better visualize the fact that, apparently, his balls do not hang evenly.

Upon seeing your tends-to-be violently angry grandmother pull in the driveway, you hit the deck and crawl away to hide out of sheer instinct. Bonus points if you look behind you and realize your mother and cousins are following suit. Deduct points if you were too chicken to go back out once everyone realized you’d abandoned one solitary cousin still in the kitchen.

Having to stall a ride at the fair because your hair has become tangled in the bars above the seat.

Tossing a pillow at your husband on your honeymoon, only to accidentally nail him right in the balls.

Having your husband catch you shaving your toes. (Having anyone catch you shaving your toes)

Having to explain to your boyfriend why he just read a text on your phone from your sis which talks about tiny gnomes tap dancing in her vagina.

Openly talking about how only pregnant brides choose a certain style of dress, only to go to a wedding the next day and the bride be wearing that exact style.

Having your sister in law talk about wanting to make out with you. Bonus points if it’s in front of your mother in law.

having a small child ask you what a masochist is. Bonus points if you totally panicked and the best thing you could come up with was that it is a type of duck.

My Grandmother Called You a HomoWoman. She’s Probably Right, But I’m Very Sorry You Overheard Her

So ever since that movie “The Bucket List” came out, people have been all, oooo over the idea. I haven’t seen the movie, and I don’t have a bucket list. Partially because in all my neurotic abilities the list would just become this glaring taunting asshole which constantly judges how little I’ve managed to accomplish before my impending death. Partially because I’ve been informed that “Grow a unicorn tree” is not an appropriate bucket list entry. What I do have, sir/madam/puppet/super awkward guy that insists on staring at me as i type, is an Avoid-It List.

An Avoid-It list is a list (like whoa I bet you didn’t that coming) of situations which you are bound to encounter due to bad luck, and sheer inability to stop from embarrassing yourself in public. The brilliance of the Avoid-It list is as it forms, it can serve as a reminder to take precautions against it happening again. The sadness of it, is that if it’s on the list then it’s happened to you….

My Avoid-It List:

Walk out of the bathroom with part of your skirt tucked into your underwear/ with it just folded up weird so it looks like it is.

Sent an unflattering text to the person it’s about instead of to the person you’re actually talking to.

Not realize you can see your underthings through that skirt/dress/top.

Going to take a drink at a nice restaurant and somehow missing your mouth.

Going to take a drink with a straw and stabbing yourself in the face with it. Bonus points if it’s in the eye.

Having someone burp in your face when you’re kissing (not as bad as being the burpee, but still quite awkward).

Having a parent or grandparent call in the middle of sex. Bonus points if you accidentally answered it.

Tripped while walking and not managing to stop yourself from face planting.

Sitting on a wall, forgetting how wide the wall is, and scooting back so that you topple off backwards. Bonus points if you’re wearing a skirt at the time.

Getting your hair caught in a row of hangers or accessories in a clothing store and needing help to get lose.

Trying on a dress that is too small, getting into it, but having to ask for help to get back out. Bonus points if it rips in the process.

Having a sudden gust of wind blow your skirt or dress up, revealing your underwear. Bonus points if the underwear is sheer/see-through/or fishnet.

Having your grandparent loudly proclaim as she’s talking to you that certain people are: too fat to wear that dress, ugly, or a homo-woman.

Having same grandparent ask you directly if your mother is a dike.

This is just the start of my Avoid-It list. I think everyone probably has one, whether they realize it or not. What’s on yours?