If Office Supplies Had Mental Disorders

I get bored easily. That’s about the only explanation for this.20130131-110530.jpg

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20130131-110549.jpgSo, what mental disorders does your stuff have?

Next time I deliver your mail I shall crumple it, stomp on it, sweat on it, and THEN hand it to you.

 

 

So, as I’ve mentioned on Fridays I collect money in exchange for the magical Jeans sticker. Most of the time people are kind enough to hand me the money, usually in a relatively flattened out fashion. After all I am doing things besides sitting here making change.

 

But sometimes people are assholes.

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And that’s when you get this. Two wadded up, suspiciously moist, dollar bills tossed onto my desk as though I am literally a $2 dollar whore.

First off, I probably wouldn’t hug most of these people for $2 dollars. I have issues with unnecessary physical contact from strangers/people I’d hide from if we ran into each other on the street.

Secondly, are we five today? (Oh no wait, that was the guy that played the Pull Away game last week).

Now, everyone is guilty of wadding up their money on occasion. I’ve done it. Mostly, when I was younger, during the days when $10 dollars made me feel like a filthy rich princess. But now, if money is oddly crinkled or folded, I will either try to straighten it out or at least apologize for the mess I’ve made of our country’s currency.

This person did neither of those things. This person plopped two dollars on my desk and walked away without eye contact, without actually taking a sticker, without any regard for how annoying and icky it is too handle moist dollar bills that have been god knows where.

I mean, for realz, why are they moist???!!! YOU NEED TO EXPLAIN SOME THINGS MISTER.

I’ve seen what strippers do with those things, and it’s only amusing when you don’t have to touch the dollar bill afterward.

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Sometimes I Weird Myself Out

Have you ever been doing something and stopped for a moment to wonder what it would be like if the objects you used every day actually had personalities and thoughts?

Probably not, because you’re probably far more normal than I am.

BUT, that doesn’t change the fact that inanimate objects having personalities could lead to terribly awkward situations.

What if your keyboard has a bad headache that day? Man you’re an asshole for finishing that ten page essay.

What if your pens are all huge perverts, and by using them your basically giving them a really drawn out (haha, puns!) handjob?

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What if your earbuds are actually living organisms that feed solely on your ear wax and those weird crusty bits that form when you don’t get all of the shampoo out of your ear?

I think maybe I’m just going to sit with my hands in my lap and not move or touch anything for the next day or so.

Do any of you ever over think things like this?

Bad Dog!

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When Doves Cry

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Do Paperclips Get Boners?

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Applies To ALL Situations

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