Diseases Abound

This post involves stomach issues so, ya know. deal or don’t read.

I don’t know what the deal is. If it’s super bugs, stress, the fucking apocalypse, but I’ve been sick for what feels like a month straight.

Check that.

It has been a month straight. I got a “flu like virus” the week before classes started and its February now so, yay me with my general sense of time’s passage.

Flu like virus

strep

sinus infection

Fine! Fucking bring it on! But this stomach shit? OMG. For someone who survived most of my teenage years with IBS, this month in particular has been the most humiliating of the stomach wars in my entire fucking lifetime. Try getting spontaneously sick leaving a client’s home and being trapped in the building’s basement bathroom for half a fucking hour. Oh look. Now I’m late for my next shift.

Making yourself leave just as you think you might be ok  only to have to stop at every fucking exit along the highway to jack the, usually single, bathroom of the nearest gas station for unreasonable amounts of time until, inevitably, someone knocks and you have to move. Yep. Super not going to make it to my next shift.

Stopping when you can’t find an exit in time and just hoping you miss your own car. Hm, not totally sure I’m going to make it home.

Getting caught by a train and having to stalk a BK’s parking lot so you don’t get violently ill in front of a two mile long stretch of irritated travelers.  MOTHERFUCKING SHIT FUCK ALL I WANT TO DO IS VOMIT IN THE SANCTITY OF MY OWN HOME.

And that was the first go around. Then there was the second. And then there’s today, in which I got violently ill in the middle of a fucking creative writing workshop. Desks all in a lovely circle so everyone could see, full well, the color drain from my face, as it dawns on me that I am so going to heave.

Try to go back to class afterwards. Make it five minutes. Have to ask a total stranger to please hand in my paper due to my stomach’s inability to not upchuck. Literally run to the bathroom. Become painfully aware of the annoying jingling sound your boot zippers make.

Get asked three times if you’re pregnant.

Obviously I’ve pissed off the stomach gods. What was it? My brazen attempts to attend and graduate college? The bagel I had this morning? Green tea? FUCKING TELL ME SO I CAN TOP VOMITING!!!

Oh yeah. I have to work after this until 8pm.

Avoid-It list Pt. 3

It’s been a long time since I’ve made an Avoid-It addition. This is in no way because I’ve miraculously avoided humiliating situations, and more due to general forgetfulness. I’d love to pretend that since the last post I’ve become the epitome of fucking grace and poise, but I just stood up a second ago and realized my boot is stuck to my tights.

Once more with things to avoid…

Showing an in-law a photo of your dogs on your phone, only for her to tap the screen, bringing up the camera roll of most recent shots. Namely, so many tits. Bonus points if your in-laws are conservative southern baptists.

Showing a friend a photo of a hair-do on the phone. Only for her to scroll through without saying anything. You only realize when she whistles at your husband’s dick.

Sitting cross-legged in a pair of knee high boots and tights and getting your boot zipper stuck in the vaguely crotch-area of said tights. Bonus points if you don’t realize until you stand up. Bonus Bonus points if you don’t realize until you’ve fallen out of the chair.

Going to take a drink of green tea and totally missing your mouth, spilling it down your dress which, wow, lookit how see-through that material gets when wet! Bonus points if you’re not wearing a bra.

Getting profusely ill at a gas station bathroom and having to listen to a little girl tell her mommy that she “reeeeeeally” needs to go while you try so super hard to finish vomiting.

Sitting cross-legged and not realizing your shoe is hooked in the torn hem of your skirt, standing up and basically pantsing yourself.

Trying to pick up your fork in a restaurant and inexplicably manage to shoot it across the room and onto another diner’s table.

 

 

Avoid-It List Part 2: Where I reveal Way Too Much about My Father’s Nuts

As I’ve said before, the tragedy of an Avoid-It List is that it’s already happened, and the best you can do is remove yourself from situations in which it can happen again. But even if it doesn’t ever happen again, there are some things which only need to happen once to scar you immortal soul forevah! For serious. This will be me when I die.

God: Why…why is your soul twitching? I don’t think I made souls with that capability.

Me: You probably didn’t.

God: Um, could you possibly stop it? It’s starting to scare the cherubs.

Me: Sorry about that.

So without further hallucinatory hypothetical situations, I present the Avoid-It List Part 2!!!

Watching your Dad lift a pair of walnuts and hold them together to help you better visualize the fact that, apparently, his balls do not hang evenly.

Upon seeing your tends-to-be violently angry grandmother pull in the driveway, you hit the deck and crawl away to hide out of sheer instinct. Bonus points if you look behind you and realize your mother and cousins are following suit. Deduct points if you were too chicken to go back out once everyone realized you’d abandoned one solitary cousin still in the kitchen.

Having to stall a ride at the fair because your hair has become tangled in the bars above the seat.

Tossing a pillow at your husband on your honeymoon, only to accidentally nail him right in the balls.

Having your husband catch you shaving your toes. (Having anyone catch you shaving your toes)

Having to explain to your boyfriend why he just read a text on your phone from your sis which talks about tiny gnomes tap dancing in her vagina.

Openly talking about how only pregnant brides choose a certain style of dress, only to go to a wedding the next day and the bride be wearing that exact style.

Having your sister in law talk about wanting to make out with you. Bonus points if it’s in front of your mother in law.

having a small child ask you what a masochist is. Bonus points if you totally panicked and the best thing you could come up with was that it is a type of duck.