Diseases Abound

This post involves stomach issues so, ya know. deal or don’t read.

I don’t know what the deal is. If it’s super bugs, stress, the fucking apocalypse, but I’ve been sick for what feels like a month straight.

Check that.

It has been a month straight. I got a “flu like virus” the week before classes started and its February now so, yay me with my general sense of time’s passage.

Flu like virus


sinus infection

Fine! Fucking bring it on! But this stomach shit? OMG. For someone who survived most of my teenage years with IBS, this month in particular has been the most humiliating of the stomach wars in my entire fucking lifetime. Try getting spontaneously sick leaving a client’s home and being trapped in the building’s basement bathroom for half a fucking hour. Oh look. Now I’m late for my next shift.

Making yourself leave just as you think you might be ok  only to have to stop at every fucking exit along the highway to jack the, usually single, bathroom of the nearest gas station for unreasonable amounts of time until, inevitably, someone knocks and you have to move. Yep. Super not going to make it to my next shift.

Stopping when you can’t find an exit in time and just hoping you miss your own car. Hm, not totally sure I’m going to make it home.

Getting caught by a train and having to stalk a BK’s parking lot so you don’t get violently ill in front of a two mile long stretch of irritated travelers.  MOTHERFUCKING SHIT FUCK ALL I WANT TO DO IS VOMIT IN THE SANCTITY OF MY OWN HOME.

And that was the first go around. Then there was the second. And then there’s today, in which I got violently ill in the middle of a fucking creative writing workshop. Desks all in a lovely circle so everyone could see, full well, the color drain from my face, as it dawns on me that I am so going to heave.

Try to go back to class afterwards. Make it five minutes. Have to ask a total stranger to please hand in my paper due to my stomach’s inability to not upchuck. Literally run to the bathroom. Become painfully aware of the annoying jingling sound your boot zippers make.

Get asked three times if you’re pregnant.

Obviously I’ve pissed off the stomach gods. What was it? My brazen attempts to attend and graduate college? The bagel I had this morning? Green tea? FUCKING TELL ME SO I CAN TOP VOMITING!!!

Oh yeah. I have to work after this until 8pm.